Australia v England Fifth Test, Day Two Report Card
Featuring days two, amnesiac cartoon characters, dirty eyes and nightwatching
Days Two
Grade: B+
Having thought they’d vanquished their most fearsome foe in the infamous ten mm Test of Boxing Day, England were suddenly forced once again to confront the terrors of Day Two.
In the first Test, England finished the first day 49 runs ahead, with Australia 9/123 in reply to 172 all out, the tourists having unleashed the most fearsome battery of fast bowlers ever to reach Australian shores! On day two, Travis ‘PETA’ Head freed those fast bowlers from their battery cages and sent them squawking away in random and startled directions.
In the second Test, England were 9/325 at stumps on the first day, a perfectly competent little total, with Joe Root, ton successfully secured, and Jofra Archer, ton not (to use the common palindrome), at the crease, having already added a merry half-century partnership. On day two, Australia larruped their way to 6/378, a total that would eventually balloon to 511, as England bowled dross and fielded drossier.
In the third Test, Australia reached 8/326 at stumps on the first day, a perfectly competent little total of their own, but one that could be overrun, as the previous match had shown. England did not, however, overrun that total on the second day, instead allowing Mitchell Starc to reach his second half-century of the series with the bat, before somehow flaming out, falling to 8/213 at stumps, despite the Australian side being the ones who had to bowl in forty degree heat.
A terrible and fearsome day then, day two, for fans of England cricket. Not coincidentally, also the best day for listening to the endless swathe of English cricket podcasts for fans of Australian cricket. Schadenfreudcasts!
And despite having slaughtered day two in the MCG madhouse Test, here it was again, rising from the dead like some form of slasher movie villain or Jesus to wreak havoc once more.
Amnesiac Cartoon Characters
Grade: C
The day began half an hour early, thanks to the darkness that fell across the blackened city of Sydney that prior eve. Which meant, of course, that Harry Brook could be out sixteen minutes before the scheduled start of play. What a precocious talent he is.
Ben Stokes soon followed, caught behind off the bowling of Mitchell Starc, a decision made to seem more controversial than it was by the third umpire taking three times as long as necessary to apply the Snicko guidelines. Good stuff. There’s a spike within a frame of the ball passing close to the bat, Kumar. That’s it, he’s out. You don’t need to zoom in and pan around the screen, lost and confused, like an elderly person who’s triple-tapped their iPad. Press the big red ‘fuck off!’ button.
Still, remember before this series when no normal cricket fan could talk intelligently on the relative merits of Snicko and UltraEdge? And perhaps didn’t even know they were different things?
We were children then.
