Australia v England First Test, Day One Report Card
Featuring English confidence, first over wickets, tiresome discussions, the madness of Harry Brook, Usman Khawaja's slight and footwork
English Confidence
Grade: B+
An Ashes build-up that had lasted for countless generations, passed down from parent to child, in whispered bedtime tales and vague prophecies of What Might Be™, was finally here. Like any good game of whispers, this build-up had devolved in every retelling until the final piece of pre-series banter was, inexplicably, Steve Smith and Monty Panesar squabbling over the relative infamy of Smith’s Sandpapergate vs Panesar’s appearance on Mastermind.
Despite this, England fans and/or journalists arrived full of Bazballian confidence, referring optimistically to 2010/11, the last time England won a series - or, indeed, a Test - on Australian shores. Too few, however, were talking about 1970/71, which was the last time England actually regained the Ashes in Australia.
So, yeah, the feat ahead of Ben Stokes and his men was one that’s literally not happened in my lifetime. Over to you, ya zany Bazballers.
England were right to be confident, though, given that they literally couldn’t start the series any worse than last time (assuming, of course, that Ben Duckett and Zak Crawley, didn’t collide mid-pitch first ball, with one of them run out, while the other had to retire hurt).
The first sign that the confidence had gone too far, however, was shown by Michael Vaughan, who, after Stokes won the toss and decided to bat, interviewed Mark Wood, and made the frankly astonishing claim that ‘You won’t be bowling until tomorrow.’
Uh-oh.
First Over Wickets
Grade: B-
Because Australia had their own brand of confidence on display, in the form of Fox Cricket showing off an hour television special devoted solely to replays of Mitchell Starc taking first over wickets.
No pressure, then, Mitchell.
(Cunningly, because they were counting down from the most recent effort to the earliest, Starc was also ageing in reverse. Probably a good tactic given Pat Cummins and Josh Hazlewood’s old man injuries that had ruled them out of this Test.)
With all this lead-up, the first ball couldn’t help but be a disappointment. Starc landed it on the pitch. It wasn’t hit for four. Nor did he take a wicket. Boooo!
The first over prophecy was fulfilled, however, with Zak Crawley predictably nicking off.
It was the beginning of a brilliant display of bowling from Starc, constantly asking questions of the batters. And, much like Monty Panesar on Mastermind, the England batters had no answers in that opening session. Or, at least, no correct answers.
(Starc bowls)
Crawley: Oliver Twist
Tiresome Discussions
Grade: D
One victim of Starc’s early onslaught was Joe Root, the subject of the most tiresome discussion in all of the lead-up, the question of whether he would score his first Test century down under.
A better question than whether Root would reach his first hundred in Australia was instead if the number of commentators talking about whether Root would reach his first hundred in Australia would also reach its first hundred.
The answer was, effortlessly.
Especially when he was caught at slip off Starc, falling an even one hundred runs short of his first Test century in Australia.
On the other hand, the wicket was Starc’s hundredth in Ashes cricket. So, in a way, Root did bring up a ton.
The Madness of Harry Brook
Grade: A-
The only true resistance to Starc’s onslaught - excluding the surprise package of a near-competent Ollie Pope - was the wonderfully mad Harry Brook.
Brook is easily my favourite England batter. He is a cricketer who does not have a single functioning brain cell in his head. And I say that as a good thing - the man has distilled batting into the simplest possible, no-brain-required, skill set. ‘A cricket ball will be bowled to me, and I will thump it somewhere.’
It’s great stuff. Sometimes it goes wrong, because of the brainlessness. But more often than not, it goes right, for the exact same reason.
This empty-headed genius not only delights England fans by crashing runs all over the place, but also infuriates England fans when he fails to do so at precisely the wrong moment. A great ridiculous cricketer.
Here, he was at his absolute best. On the charge to the rampaging Starc and dismantling Scott Boland, before falling to debutant Brendan Doggett with a bizarre aborted pull shot that brushed his glove, was given not out, then reviewed by Australia, which led to Brook walking before a single replay had been set up.
God bless you, Harry Brook. More players should walk for DRS. The mid-strength Spirit of Cricket.
With Brook gone, the rest of England’s batting folded. Starc finished with 7/58, as the visitors were dismissed for 172 in 32.5 overs. Maybe Cummins and Hazlewood have been holding Starc back this entire time?
The final partnership of the innings was between Jofra Archer and Mark Wood. This is what we’d all come to see. These two fiery fast bowlers operating in tandem. Unfortunately, they lasted just the one ball. Although, to be fair, we were told that they were quick.
Wood’s first ball duck also meant that Starc was on a hat trick. What most Australian fans probably didn’t suspect at this stage, was that he was a reasonable chance of being asked to complete that feat later that evening.
Usman Khawaja’s Slight
Grade: D
Because, here’s the thing. Imagine if instead of having one great fast bowler terrorising the batters, you had multiple great fast bowlers?
It is an idea that Australia had moved away from in this Test, but one that England now embraced.
Cunningly, the wily England lower order had been dismissed so quickly that Usman Khawaja - who had been off the field during Australia’s fielding innings - was not permitted to open the batting.
Boy, when he told us that Jake Weatherald wasn’t his preferred opening partner, he wasn’t mucking about, was he? Weatherald seemed to take Khawaja’s slight personally, knocked over second ball, in both a literal, losing-his-feet, and metaphorical, losing-his-wicket, fashion.
Australia probably didn’t expect Steve Smith and Marnus Labuschagne to be in the middle after two balls, but that’s what they got.
Footwork
Grade: B+
Smith and Labuschagne then showcased Australia’s disdain for anything even resembling Bazball, trudging along at about one run per over as they looked to survive the opening onslaught from England bowlers.
They then doubled down on the Bazball contempt by not losing any further wickets in the middle session.
In the third session, however, England roared back into the contest, taking eight Australian wickets, and continuing to batter the home side with short balls. Cameron Green showed the best footwork of the entire innings when he reacted to being struck in the helmet by tiptoeing off-balance around his stumps rather than stumbling onto them.
He, however, was eventually dismissed by Stokes, who took 5/23 off six overs, as Australia slumped to 9/123 at stumps.
Brilliant stuff from Australia to trick Stokes into bowling a six-over spell. Yes, five wickets. But how much wear and tear on the notoriously injury-prone England captain? Steve Smith’s men playing the long game. England reeling.
All in all, this first day of the 2025/26 Ashes was a great three days of Test cricket.