Australia v England Third Test, Day One Report Card

Featuring amusing team-choosing tidbits, experimental design, maritime tasks and erroneous stump microphones

Amusing Team-Choosing Tidbits
Grade: B-

During the first couple of Tests of this series, I repeatedly heard that one of the key principles of Bazball was a willingness to ‘run towards the danger’. As sporting guiding lights go, that’s a perfectly sound one, regardless of the results of the first couple of Tests, and I’m not here to make fun of it. Similarly, those first Tests also prompted widespread praise for the heroics of Mitchell Starc, standing up when his team most needed him. And I’m not here to make fun of that either.

However, the tragic events of the weekend at Bondi, and most notably that astonishing footage of the inconceivably heroic Ahmed Al Ahmed running towards danger beyond comprehension, are a rather stark reminder of not just the trivialities of sporting contests, but the even more trivial aspect of a nitwit like me making dumb jokes about those trivial sporting contests.

But, hey, it’s what I do. Heck, some of you glorious folk even pay me to do it. And there’s barely a punchline in either of those first two paragraphs. (Maybe a mild pun with ‘stark reminder’?) So I’m going to wrap up this unfunny preamble by offering my deepest condolences to everybody affected by the attack, then move straight onto the dumb jokes starting with the next paragraph.

Before this third Test began, there were a couple of selection shocks. Well, ‘selection shocks’ might be too strong. ‘Mild selectorial diversions’? ‘Amusing team-choosing tidbits’?

Those XI-rejection amuse-bouches? Usman Khawaja remained out of the Australian side. And Shoaib Bashir remained out of the England one. (Josh Tongue also replaced Will Atkinson, but that didn’t really count.)

Of these somewhat interesting trifles, the Bashir one was the more compelling, especially given the amount of time the England brains trust had put into preparing him for this tour over the previous few years. To now not select him at Adelaide, preferring Will Jacks, seemingly on the basis of his ability to block out a single session in Brisbane alongside his captain, felt… not particularly Bazballish.

Alternatively, one could offer England credit for not falling into the sunk cost fallacy and cutting their losses at the right moment. Although, one might also be forced to then perhaps offer slightly less credit for sinking quite so much cost into shithouse spin bowling in the first place.

Experimental Design
Grade: F

Unlike Bashir with England, Khawaja’s non-selection for the Australian team was short-lived, with Steve Smith being ruled out of the side with illness on the morning of the Test. Big fan of Khawaja poisoning Smith. Shows he still wants it.

Ha ha ha! No, Khawaja didn’t poison Smith. My legal advice makes that very clear. Instead, Smith was suffering with symptoms of vertigo. And not for the first time either - during the 2023 World Cup, he was also ruled out of one of the matches as part of the ongoing, successful Wait-How-Is-Marnus-Still-In-The-ODI-Team? campaign.

HitchPod Rewatch Countdown - Number 4, Vertigo

Still, a surprising affliction for Smith. I thought he was supposed to be good against spin? However, his exclusion did also mean this was going to be yet another Test in which Jofra Archer fails to dismiss Steve Smith, I’m sorry to say.

Khawaja came in to the side to replace him, a straight swap at number four, as he and Jake Weatherald continue their ongoing campaign to be the weirdest opening pair in Ashes history.

It does also rather suggest that Australia are undertaking some kind of series-long experiment to see which of their best players they can do without and still beat England. If so, however, I question their methodology.

Why double up on Pat Cummins and Josh Hazlewood both being out of the first two Tests? Yes, good to have Nathan Lyon in one and out of the other to assess his impact, but why are Starc and Travis Head always playing? How are you going to factor out their contributions? There’s a science to this, Patrick. You can’t expect to do a proper multivariate analysis with such slipshod experimental design. You know that.

Nevertheless, can’t wait to see what bizarre mishap allows Khawaja to return to the side in the 2029/30 Ashes.

Maritime Tasks
Grade: C

Despite the sloppiness of the Australians’ methodology, it was a good thing Khawaja was back. For, after a couple of early wickets, he came to the crease to steady the ship, a maritime task that a vertiginous batter might find utterly beyond them.

Khawaja’s most impressive partnership came alongside Alex Carey, who had been summoned to the crease in the first over after an apparently extraordinarily good lunch. That over saw Marnus Labuschagne dink Jofra Archer to Brydon Carse at mid-wicket first ball. Labuschagne’s dismissal was then followed up by Cameron Green attempting pretty much the same exact thing. Bad puppy! Bad, IPL-rich puppy! No!

At 4/94, batting first on a good pitch, under extreme heat, the pair of Khawaja and Carey therefore now had a primary goal of batting through the session and getting to tea. Or, based on what happened after lunch, the second over after tea.

Instead, Khawaja was out for 82 shortly before the second interval, dismissed by Jacks when a redemptive century seemed firmly in his grasp.

It did perhaps raise the prospect that the home side were keen to bowl in the third session under lights. In which case, good Adelaide tactics. With just the one teeny-tiny flaw.

Erroneous Stump Microphones
Grade: A-

After tea, Tongue got to work on the tail, as you’d expect. He dismissed Josh Inglis, bowled from one that jagged back in. But Carey remained, going on to score a hometown century that saw Australia past 300, finishing the day on 8/326.

Is this Carey’s Ashes? Very possibly. Starc must now score a ton and/or put on a wicketkeeping masterclass to regain the ascendancy.

(Having said that, it can be a literal masterclass, if Starc likes. Y’know, on that website. Sitting on a couch, offering nuggets of glove wisdom to enthusiastic subscribers. I’d pay to see it.)

Carey’s century was not without luck, the keeper reprieved by DRS at one point when the Snicko operator apparently used the wrong stump microphone to align the sound waves with the video footage. Good stuff. Good, maddening stuff. The kind of thing that definitely wouldn’t infuriate a team asked to field in scorching Adelaide heat for an entire day.

Having said that, I’m more concerned about the onfield umpire, who also gave the decision not out. No word on where his ears were. Maybe deep third? Something for the match referee to look into, for sure.