Australia v England Fourth Test, Day Two Report Card
Featuring botched heart transplants, astrology and bookends
Botched Heart Transplants
Grade: F
The second day of this Test began with Scott Boland at the crease alongside his fellow opener Travis Head. Does that sound mad? Dude, that’s nothing. Because we were about to enter the stupidest day of cricket since yesterday.
How stupid? What about if I told you that Boland carried his bat? That’s pretty stupid, right? I mean, it didn’t happen, but imagine if it had. ‘Boy, that’s stupid,’ you’d say. And I’d say ‘Yep. That’s this Test all over.’
No, instead Boland was the first wicket to fall in the Australian innings. But by no means the last, as batter after batter made their way to the crease, only to be defeated by a combination of the grassy pitch and smart England bowling.
Marnus Labuschagne did that thing where he potters about doing nothing for about half an hour before poking one to slip. Cameron Green did something similar. Usman Khawaja took one look at the pitch - still the greenest thing to ruin Christmas vibes since the Grinch’s two-sizes-too-small heart transplant debacle - and decided he’d rather not take any part in this entire fiasco, scooping his second ball to a deep fine fielder.
As the rest of his team came and went, stand-in captain Steve Smith batted with all his usual fidgeting nonsense. On several occasions, he adjudicated on LBW shouts against him, before at one point matadoring four runs into existence via byes between his legs. A very normal flourish to an otherwise run-of-the-mill Test.
