Australia v England Second Test, Day One Report Card

Featuring English ridiculousness, Australian ridiculousness, palaeontologist lies, dual wicketkeepers and tall imps

English Ridiculousness
Grade: B+

Remember the first Test of this series, eight or nine weeks ago now? Vaguely? Yeah, me too.

The long gap between matches allowed for all manner of ridiculous behaviour from both teams. Mark Wood briefly thought about hiring a car and driving from Perth to Brisbane. Unlike so many in his top order, though, he eventually opted out of a suicidal drive.

A shame. Over the past few months between these two Tests, we’ve been reminded that ‘Run towards the danger’ is the (evolutionarily unsound) mantra of this England side. I can think of few things more dangerous than trying to cross the Nullarbor. Although, perhaps, that was the point - Wood opted out of driving to Brisbane and ran in that direction instead. It would certainly explain his bung knee.

England also refused to play a warm-up match against the Prime Minister’s XI. Or, to be more precise, continued to refuse to play it, as they’d already refused to play it months ago (in an era before the first Test, if you can imagine). The Prime Minister was so hurt by this doubled-down snub that he went off and got married during the match. A weird response, but that’s politics for you.

And, of course, Ben Stokes became upset that his team was being called ‘arrogant’ and suggested that he would much prefer the press to call them ‘rubbish’ instead. Seems needlessly binary to me. Why can’t a team be rubbish and arrogant? Aim for the stars, Ben!

Australian Ridiculousness
Grade: C

But it wasn’t just England toying with nonsense in between Tests. Australia had their own share. Usman Khawaja and Jake Weatherald continued to be the weirdest opening pair in Ashes history, as, after several fortnights of speculation, Khawaja was ruled out of the second Test with a dodgy back.

But you know who suddenly maybe didn’t have a dodgy back? Pat Cummins. Because after not being named in Australia’s squad for the second Test, whispers suddenly went around in the 48 hours beforehand that Cummins might, indeed, make a surprise appearance, WWE style.

“Oh my god, that’s Pat Cummins’ music!” (‘Perfect’ by Fairground Attraction)

This would have been a miracle, of course. One befitting the Christmas season in which, based on the traditional re-emergence of tiresome Die Hard takes on social media, we suddenly found ourselves.

Look, I don’t know if Die Hard is a Christmas movie or not. All I know is that Die Hard 2 is a Boxing Day Test movie.

In the end, Cummins didn’t surprisingly emerge, all blazered up for the toss. A little bit disappointing. But probably to be expected.

Because, FUN FACT: Pat Cummins has never played a Test match.

Palaeontologist Lies
Grade: D

Steve Smith did, however, announce that Nathan Lyon had been replaced in the team by Michael Neser, setting up a classic ‘Three lions’ v ‘no Lyons’ contest.

A weird selection decision that suggested maybe the Australian brains trust had overthought the whole day/night Test thing. We may return to this theme later. (Teaser!)

Not that it mattered. A pink-balled Mitchell Starc was given a cricket ball with which to bowl the first over, and curiously allowed Zak Crawley to score a run. He swiftly regained his mojo, however, taking his traditional opening over wicket, when he snared Ben ‘Golden’ Duckett first ball.

Starc then bowled Ollie Pope in his next over to have England 2/5. Shortly after, Joe Root edged one to the fingertips of a diving Smith, and Crawley maybe, perhaps, feathered one through to the keeper? It was, however, a feather of such dubiousness (like, say, a dinosaur feather. Come on, palaeontologists. Dinosaurs didn’t have feathers. Stop playing mind games with us all!) that Australia didn’t bother sending it upstairs.

IDEA: One of the slips should always wear a hearing aid to enhance their detection of edges. (Not Marnus, obviously.)

But Crawley was soon improbably away! So much so that Fox Cricket started promoting the thrilling stat that when Crawley reaches 30, he averages 74.2!

Although, as stats go, that’s not that impressive, is it?

“Look out for Zak! Once he gets his eye properly in, he might well score 44 further runs!”

Dual Wicketkeepers
Grade: A

The unimpressive stat was, however, rather accurate, Crawley caught behind off Neser for 76. A couple of extra runs than predicted, but well within the margin of error.

Speaking of margins of errors, Harry Brook arrived at the crease to do something brilliant or mad or brilliant-mad, and almost came up with the most brilliant-mad thing of them all. Namely, being stumped off an attempted ramp shot. Sadly, for fans of England supporters’ heads exploding at Brook shenanigans, he just got his bat down in time.

Still, it was all part of a dazzling display of dual wicketkeeping brilliance from Alex Carey and Josh Inglis. After Carey’s bold attempt to stump an England batter off the seamers once again, Josh Inglis decided to inflict an even weirder stumping. So weird that it was, technically, a run out, throwing down the stumps from side on to strand Ben Stokes short of his ground. These Australian keepers will stop at nothing!

Including, later in the innings, a collision with Marnus Labuschagne. For when Gus Atkinson skied a delivery from Starc over the slips cordon, both Carey and Labuschagne gave frantic chase, with both getting close enough to the plummeting ball to dive for it. Somehow, improbably, Carey emerged, ball in gloves, with Marnus wrapped around him in a delighted cuddle, to give Starc his fifth wicket of the innings.

Frankly, more cricketers need to take catches simultaneously with Marnus crash-tackling them.

Tall Imps
Grade: A

Standing tall, however, in defiance of Starc’s steady removal of the rest of the England batters (and here’s a little captaincy tip for you, Smudge: Simply never, ever stop bowling Mitchell Starc) was Joe Root. Unsurprising to see him standing so tall, because he is quite a tall man. Taller than you expect. Especially for one so impish.

The clatter of wickets briefly opened the possibility of Root being stranded on 99*, with the rest of the team bowled out.

We were, however, denied this delicious dark comic moment, with Root instead finding his way to a memorable first century on Australian soil scant seconds before the tail really got serious about throwing their wickets away. So that’s something we thankfully never have to talk about again. (The ‘Root not having a century’ bit, not ‘the England tail throwing their wickets away’ bit.)

In fact, so serious did the England tail get about throwing their wickets away that Smith suddenly panicked at the prospect of his openers having to bat for half an hour under lights.

He therefore decided to not take the final wicket of Jofra Archer. Or, indeed, play any cricket at all for about twenty minutes, tinkering endlessly with the field to waste as much time as possible.

Was this yet another example of Australia way overthinking the whole day/night Test thing? I dunno. But Root and Archer added 61 unbeaten runs off 44 balls for the tenth wicket to finish the day on 9/325. So you tell me.