To Me, My X-Men Comics! - Uncanny X-Men Issue 97
In which Scott has legal difficulties and Professor X is sun-safe
PREVIOUSLY IN THE UNCANNY X-MEN: Mansion demons! Machine-gun maids! Indecipherable brogues!
Professor X has decided he needs a vacation to escape from all the X-stress he’s been experiencing. “What kind of X-stress?” asks Maid Moira, who knows on which side her pay cheque is buttered. “Well,” says The Professor. “For one thing, I keep having bizarrely detailed space operatic dreams. And then there’s Nightcrawler, who insists on goofing around with something called an ‘image inducer’. And, finally, there’s some prescient clown in the letter column suggesting (without a skerrick of irony) that maybe this new ‘Wolverine’ character should ‘eventually get some time in the limelight’.” Yowsers! It’s all too much for Chuck, so he heads to the airport to catch the next flight away from this issue.
But, alas, before he can do so, Scott’s equally dickish brother, Alex, shows up. Alex and his girlfriend Lorna have been mind-controlled by the mysterious villain Eric The Red, who forces Alex to, firstly, stop dressing like a cowboy. Because, really, you’re a mutant, dude, not some half-assed country singer. That nonsense sorted out, he then makes Alex and Lorna attack the X-Men. They blow up a passing 747 in the process. An empty 747, the narration hastily assures us. But who, really, are you fooling, Claremont?
Eventually, Cyclops gets the irrits because Eric The Red happens to be one of his former identities (look, I dunno - it’s issue 51, if you wanna look it up). He immediately calls his trademark lawyer, but the lawyer’s too busy trying to fob off a similar lawsuit from some dude in Greenland. So instead, Scott and Eric The Red hash out their own settlement, with Scott ultimately agreeing to let Eric The Red escape. In return, Eric The Red agrees to also kidnap the mind-controlled Alex and Lorna. And that, Cyclops, is why you should always defer to proper legal counsel in such matters.
MVP: I was going to give it to Jean, who returns this issue with the apparent sole goal of urging Professor X to be sun-safe on his holiday. But then I noticed Nightcrawler had used the image inducer to disguise himself as some kind of off-duty porn star. Not even Jean can compete with that.
Next Issue: Return of the Sentinels. Plus, the infinite compassion of Wolverine.