To Me, My X-Men Comics! - Uncanny X-Men Issue 95
In which Scott barks like a dog and Nightcrawler insinuates a villain’s a frog
PREVIOUSLY IN THE UNCANNY X-MEN: Count Nefaria! Animal-human hybrid goons! Sunfire rejection!
The cover of this issue assures that this is not a ‘hoax’, nor a ‘dream’. But, no foolin’, an X-man dies! Luckily, it’s only Thunderbird, so no great loss. (Um, spoiler.)
Anyways, we pick up from where we left off last issue, with all the X-Men plummeting to their deaths. Scott, as cool in a crisis as ever, immediately flashes back to last issue to help bring newer readers up to speed, then starts barking orders. Why he’s barking the orders is unclear, but everybody watched the most recent Scooby-Doo reboot, so interpret his yapping easily enough.
Scott’s plan? All the people who can fly catch the ones who can’t and help them safely to ground. Easy enough in retrospect, although Colossus - typically obstinate and/or Russian - chooses instead to just cannon headfirst into the ground. Whatever works, I guess.
Once that’s sorted out, Cyclops gets Nightcrawler to teleport inside the military base and taunt the first half-man, half-frog creature he sees. Kurt does his best, but can only come up with insults on the order of ‘Herr Frog’. Fortunately, this is enough to drive the thin-skinned amphibi-man into a frenzy (apparently he prefers to be called ‘Croaker’ or, y’know, ‘Lukas’). Kurt knocks him out and lets the others in and the group then fights their way through gas, mind-controlled soldiers and the rest of the Ani-Men. But, it’s too late, for Count Nefaria (still his actual, improbable name) has primed all the nuclear weapons in the USA to fire in only nine (9) minutes.
Cyclops tries to deactivate the countdown only to have Professor X appear in his mind. He’s all ‘Scott, why are you wasting time with this??’ (subtext: ‘you ruby quartz glasses-wearing dork’). Scott tries to explain about the, y’know, imminent armageddon, but Charles shoots him down with a contemptuous ‘Your fight with the animal hybrid dudes deactivated the missiles already.’ (subtext: ‘Duh!’)
And before anybody could ask how, exactly, that works, the Professor’s freaking out, telling them all that they have to go rescue Thunderbird who has needlessly started a fistfight with Nefaria’s escape jet. Everybody rushes half-heartedly out, just in time to witness Thunderbird and the plane crash into the side of a mountain and explode. Banshee’s a little shaken by this. “This must be a dream!” he says. “Or a hoax!” But nobody else seems too concerned, with Scott declaring that this kind of thing was ‘bound to happen sooner or later’. “I suppose so,” says Banshee, and everybody heads back to the mansion for some cheese and crackers.
MVP: Let’s give it to Thunderbird. Only chance he’ll get and he did dismiss Professor X’s command to get off the plane with a snappy ‘Butt out, Baldy’. That’s good enough for me.
Next issue: A mind-warping demon from Hell! Plus, a machine-gun wielding maid.
