To Me, My X-Men Comics! - Uncanny X-Men Issue 94
In which, for no immediately obvious reason, I commence a series of recaps of old X-Men comics
(Pre-emptive comic book nomenclature nerdery: Technically, this isn’t the ‘Uncanny’ X-Men just yet. But at some point the canniness of the comic will decrease to a point where it will be declared the Uncanny X-Men. So rather than muck about getting the titles, y’know, correct, I’m just going to call it ‘Uncanny’ from the get-go. You got a problem with that, bub?)
Okay. Let’s get into it. This is the first issue of Chris ‘The Bris’ Claremont’s near-infinite run on the X-Men. So the laws of primacy suggest that’s where we start. And, since I’m a primate, that‘s where we will start.
In the aftermath of their battle against Krakoa The Living Island (yeah, don’t ask), Professor X is scoping out which members of the new X-Men (Wolverine, Colossus, Storm, et al) and old X-Men (Angel, Buffy, Willow, et al) will stay and form a new, X-tastic combined team. Most of the newer X-Men are all ‘yeah, why not’ (notable exception: the monstrously dickish Sunfire (who? exactly), who calls everybody a pack of ‘idealistic fools’ and flies back to Japan, telling them that if they ever need his help in the future, they shouldn’t bother asking, ‘for Sunfire will refuse’. Clearly, somebody’s had the mother of all rods inserted up his mutant butt).
The original X-Men also decide to pack it in, with Jean declaring that they’re adults now and that they need to face the world as grown-ups and give up the childish exploits of the X-Men. Banshee, who just finished making a big deal about how he’s a middle-aged, barely literate Irish cop (y’know, as if there were any other kind) looks distinctly unimpressed at her unsubtle implication that he’s the saddest form of immature man-child. Sure, Sunfire was a douche, but at least he was upfront about it, rather than making with the subtextual snipery. The others shrug it off. It’s Jean. She’s catty. No news there.
Anyways, after all the quitters head off to comic book limbo, Scott orders the remaining members of the team to do some training in the Danger Room. As always, horseplay leads to tears, with Thunderbird getting lasered in the leg. Ha ha ha! Scott calls him careless and is on the brink of unleashing a wildly offensive, racially charged impersonation when the Professor interrupts them. He has news that Count Nefaria and a quintet of inexplicable animal-human hybrid goons have effortlessly captured a random military command centre and are, hence, now in complete control of America’s strategic missile force. The Avengers have called up to say they can’t be arsed sorting this out, so it’s up to the X-Men to save the day.
Needless to say, the gang can’t even get to the base without having their jet zapped out of existence in a last page cliffhanger.
MVP: Professor X. As part of his pitch to Banshee to hang around, despite being so much creepily older than the rest of the team, Charles butters him up by assuring him that his (Banshee’s) hair is no greyer than his (Xavier’s). And Banshee totally buys it, despite the clear absence of any hair follicles whatsoever on Chuck’s head. Oh, Chuck, you could sell ice to an illiterate, feebleminded Irishman.
Next Issue: One of the X-Men dies! Plus, Nightcrawler’s shameful prejudice.