To Me, My X-Men Comics! - Uncanny X-Men Issue 106
In which Xavier channels Southern belles and intrateam scuffles are retrodden
PREVIOUSLY IN THE UNCANNY X-MEN: Roddenberry avoidance! Saucy dreams! Disappointing foglessness!
Right. So at the end of last issue, the Professor sent the New X-Men off through some kind of space wormhole to rescue Lilandra, a mysterious space princess who has haunted his (Chuck’s) dreams for many issues now. But instead of following up on this moderately interesting, leprechaun-free plot development, we instead devote this issue to a bizarre flashback issue in which the old X-Men and the new X-Men fight! Oh, sure, you might complain that we saw an Old v New X-Men battle only a half-dozen issues ago, but this is different. Last time, it turned out the old X-Men were not the real X-Men at all, but, rather, stinking robots. This time around, it turns out the old X-Men aren’t the real X-Men, either, but, rather, stinking mental constructs created by the evil side of Professor X. So, y’see, completely different.
But I’m monstrously ahead of myself. We begin the issue with that pain-in-the-rump Firelord confronting Charles, demanding to know where Phoenix is. The Professor’s response? To faint dead away, like a southern belle confronted by a Scotsman with a high-cut kilt. “Ah do believe ah have the vapours!” says Professor X, as he collapses into the arms of Misty, who still (ludicrously!) possesses no mutant ability to turn into fog. But given her inability to condense herself into fine droplets of water, Chuck decides to instead mistake her for the far more awesome machine-gun-wielding Maid Moira and deliver us, the eternally-patient readers, with the previously-discussed flashback.
There’s not really much to relate about the flashback. It’s mostly just 25-odd pages of senseless fisticuffs between assorted mutants. First, the New X-Men squabble with one another, with Wolverine being a dick to Colossus for trying to save him from one of those irritating Danger Room falling girders. “Don’t try and cramp my style, Russki!” says Wolverine, his ‘style’ presumably being ‘crushed by enormous steel beams and writhing in agony under it until my healing factor kicks in’. As you’d expect, Cyclops steps in to up the dickery quotient and the whole thing escalates needlessly until the original X-Men start showing up. Then it’s just mindless fighting. In the end, Professor X comes to his senses and destroys the evil version of himself who created these evil fake versions of the original X-Men, using just his evil mind. So I guess that’s all right, then.
MVP: I suppose it has to be Professor X. Oh, sure, a lot of superhero team leaders would be too proud to faint dead away when faced by a galactic warrior with mastery of the cosmic flame. But Chuck doesn’t hesitate. And, credit where it’s due, because the whole shameless cowardice tactic works a treat, with Firelord skulking out of the issue in disgust.
Next Issue: Pump up the Starjammers! Plus, the carefully-maintained mohawk of Gladiator!