To Me, My X-Men Comics! - Uncanny X-Men Issue 100
In which Jean channels her inner Bruce Willis and a lack of roboticism proves problematic
PREVIOUSLY IN THE UNCANNY X-MEN: Spaceship theft! Apollo 13 mistruths! Screaming Sentinels!
Okay, it’s the 100th issue of X-Men, so Claremont and Cockrum decree we celebrate it with an all-in, no-holds-barred, shitfight between the New X-Men and the Old X-Men. That’s pretty much all the first half of the book holds for us – Beast v Nightcrawler, Wolverine v Ice-Man, Havok v Colossus, Storm v Jean and all combinatorial variations on this theme. Of course, things get hopelessly silly when Professor X rises out of his wheelchair and socks Wolverine in the jaw, knocking him to the ground. “Oh, come on!” says Wolvie, who knows the fanboys won’t stand for this. He decides to put an end to the entire melee by slicing Jean’s innards to pieces.
But, naturally, it’s not Jean at all. It’s just a robot disguised as Jean. In fact, all the old X-Men turn out to be nothing but robots who are perfectly able to replicate their powers. Which does make one wonder why we need mutants at all, if the techno-wizards can so easily emulate them. Which, I suppose is precisely Dr Lang’s point. “Dirty, tricksy mutants!” he declares. “Why do we need you at all, if the techno-wizards can so easily emulate you?” (See?) Anyway, the New X-Men now focus their attack on Dr Lang. But as he flees, his personal hovership thing spins out of control and explodes. “Now, if we were robots, we would’ve been compelled by The First Law of Robotics to prevent that,” points out Professor X. “But we’re not, so explodey death to you, Dr Lang!” And everybody laughs and high-fives.
Alas, the gang discover a new problem. Namely, that their ship is going to, uh… well, something. I must admit I wasn’t 100% clear on the details of the problem. But it’s something to do with their ship and manual re-entry and solar flares and… Look. The point is, Jean has no choice but to sacrifice herself to rescue the team. Think of her as Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon if it helps. Anyways, like Bruce at the end of that film, she has to knock somebody else out to ensure she can do the sacrificin’. But unlike Bruce punching out The Affleck™, Jean refuses to sully her girlish fists with pugilism and instead mind-zaps Scott into unconsciousness. She then screams abuse at Wolverine and flies to her doom. Presumably she rescues the others, but since I have no idea what, exactly, she’s trying to do, I couldn’t say for certain. Still, at last count, there’s roughly 440-odd issues after this one. So let’s assume she did save the day, okay?
MVP: Ordinarily I’d give it to Jean, but during their fight with The Old Robot X-Men, Wolverine and Colossus co-invented The Fastball Special™. And if that historical moment doesn’t earn you an MVP in a comic book review, I don’t know what does.
Next Issue: The X-Men go on holiday! Plus, Jean? Not as dead as you might think.