Australian Survivor Report Card - Australia v The World - Episode 3
Featuring atheism, falling down wells, contractually mandated conversions, being scared of Kirby and chocolate milk
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PREVIOUSLY ON AUSTRALIAN SURVIVOR: Kirby was afloat, she also controlled the vote, and the Golden God was smote
Atheism
Grade: C
The Australia tribe return to camp, giddy with excitement having voted out the Golden God. George, in particular, is thrilled. He gathers Team Deicide™ (Kirby, Shonee, Sarah and himself) together, and declares that their new alliance name is ‘The Radical Atheists!’
“I’m Ricky Gervais!” he declares, and starts doing a spontaneous comedy routine of increasingly offensive jokes. He then points to Shonee. “You’re Richard Dawkins.”
Shonee dons some glasses and starts banging on about selfish genes. Or possibly selfish jeans.
“And you can be Christopher Hitchens,” adds George, pointing at Kirby.
“Isn’t he dead?” says Kirby, frowning.
“Yes,” says Sarah. “But his spirit lives on.”
“No, it doesn’t!” screams George. “That’s the whole point of radical atheism.”
And, on that squabbling note, they all head to bed.
Falling Down Wells
Grade: D-
The World tribe, meanwhile, is trying to find the key that unlocks the mystery box they have at camp.
Tony, in particular, is concerned about the burgeoning women’s alliance, and suggests that he desperately needs to get whatever’s in the box, to keep him safe. Which is bad news for him, because after a lengthy search, it’s Parvati who finds the key. (Silly old Kass finds an idol instead. Embarrassing for her.)
Parvati and Cirie race back to open the box, but in between unlocking it and opening it, they are interrupted by Tony. The two of them casually sit on the box, and wait for him to leave.
Eventually, he does, wandering off to refill everybody’s water bottles, and Parvati and Cirie open the box.
What’s in the box? Why, it’s somehow Tony!! Turns out the box is his new spy hiding spot! He’s been in there the entire time, listening in on all the women’s plans! Amazing! How does he do that?!?
No, he’s not in there. Of course not. Instead, it’s a note revealing that JLP has a secret idol hidden on his Tribal Council pedestal.
So, where’s Tony? We soon find out when Lisa comes racing back, panting and exhausted.
“What’s that, Lisa?” says Cirie. “Tony’s fallen down the well?”
“Show us, girl!” says Parvati.
And Lisa leads them back to the well, where, working as a team, they all rescue Tony.
“Good girl, Lisa. Good girl.”
Contractually Mandated Conversions
Grade: B
Now it’s time for the immunity challenge, a classic game of Hands In The Air (5kg Edition).
JLP translates the 5kg into pounds for the benefit of the Americans. He also tells them the current temperature in Fahrenheit, and reveals the date in MM/DD/YY form, as contractually agreed upon when these superstars of the game signed on to play.
George is impressed by their superstardom, too, going out of his way to praise Parvati and Tony, undecided about which of the two is the greatest Survivor player of all time.
Anyway, as pointed out in my World Tribe preview, Parvati is especially strong at this challenge, famously having held her arm above her head for six hours straight, like the most annoying know-it-all student imaginable. She helps talk Lisa through it, while Tony holds onto an extra 5kg throughout most of the challenge.
“Soooooo impressive, you two,” says George.
JLP then reveals that the World Tribe has not only won immunity, they’ve also won letters from loved ones!
Although, as it turns out, they’re all from George.
Being Scared of Kirby
Grade: B+
The Australia tribe head back to camp, mostly all in agreement that they’ve had enough of George, already.
But Sarah has other plans. She’s slightly miffed that Kirby changed targets on the fly in the previous Tribal Council, costing her David. She’s also worried that Shonee is moving in on her alliance with Kirby.
So, nervously, she approaches Kirby and suggests a different target.
“Who are you thinking?” says Kirby, coming straight to the point, as ever.
“I think…” begins Sarah. She gulps, and continues. “I think… S should go.”
Kirby frowns. “Doesn’t your name begin with S? Am I voting you out?!”
“ummmm... okay…” says Sarah, quivering.
Chocolate Milk
Grade: A
By the time Tribal Council arrives, though, Sarah has regained her courage and suggested that Shonee is her preferred target. But everybody else still wants George, although, having said that, there are enough people still worried about whether he might have an idol that votes are being thrown on Shonee anyway, just in case.
It’s an unholy mess. Made even more so, because George is of the mistaken opinion that it’s a Janine-Luke split.
He therefore gives Janine a lecture at tribal council, warning her that her game is like overdosing on a giant carton of chocolate milk.
“I call it Big Moove-itis!” he declares, and laughs, and laughs, and laughs.
Shonee nudges George and whispers. “Maybe just go back to the offensive Gervais material.”
But it’s too late for that. It’s time to vote. Shonee pulls the trigger on the George blindside, pointing out in the voting booth that it’s her fiftieth tribal council!
Of course, fifty tribal councils is also, Roman numerically, an L. Which is a worrying omen. But, hey, this is the Radical Atheists alliance. No omens here. Shonee therefore avoids the L, and George is sent home instead.
JLP begins his closing wisdom. “God is gone. The King is gone. But—”
Luke interrupts. “Ahem. I think you’ve forgotten that I’m the King of the Jungle.”
“Oh, FFS,” says JLP. “You guys and your fucken nicknames.” He sighs. “Hey, did you know that last season we had a guy who was a rat??”
Dan vs The World
Okay. At the end of the previous episode, I suggested that George was the fifth most likely person to be next voted out of the game (out of twelve), just pipping Rest of the World representative Chris, who suggested he was the eighth most likely person to be next voted out.
My lead over The World team therefore stretches to 2-0.
Here are my rankings for who I think is most likely to be voted out in the fourth episode, from most likely to least likely.
Tony (I think Parvati and Cirie will be emboldened by the knowledge of the JLP idol and pull the trigger on Tony)
Tommi (but maybe Tony will win individual immunity)
Sarah (Kirby might well cut Sarah loose)
Janine
Shonee
Kirby
Lisa
Cirie
Parvati
Kass (idol)
Luke (also, idol)
Next up to represent the world against me is Ben, also from the Previously on Australian Survivor podcast.
Here’s Ben’s prediction for who will go next, from most likely to least
Tony
Luke (he is holding his idol too close)
Janine
Sarah
Shonee
Kirby
Cirie
Tommi (where can I get your t-shirt Tommi, please tell me!)
Lisa
Kass
Parv
Can Ben help The World team get on the board Sunday night? Let’s see.
Oh, and if you want to participate as part of the World team, to see if you can beat me in future episodes, just express your interest via the comments below.
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