Australian Survivor Report Card - Australia v The World - Episode 2
Featuring banana etiquette, yikes gestures, pun-based votes, regicide v deicide and whims
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PREVIOUSLY ON AUSTRALIAN SURVIVOR: Budgies were smuggled, alliances were juggled, and Rob left befuddled
Banana Etiquette
Grade: D
In a brilliant piece of programming synergy, Ten chose Deal Or No Deal as the lead-in show before tonight’s episode of Australian Survivor. I have no idea whether this is the show that’s always on in this time slot on a weekday, or whether it’s a programming decision that will last only until either Parvati or David is voted out (‘DONDI!’). I guess we’ll see tomorrow night (uh, spoiler).
Nevertheless, as per tradition, ‘Wrap it up, Deal Or No Deal’, because we’ve got some Australian Survivor to get to.
And first up, it’s Luke, who is out looking for idols. Does he, at any point, call it ‘Luking’ for idols? No. And that’s disappointing, for sure. But he’s also stolen some bananas which he keeps secret from everybody! Other than, obviously, his best mate, David. And Shonee, who he’s trying to form bonds with. He also lets Janine know, of course, in case she brought a NutriBullet to the island. And Sarah, who’s an absolute freak for potassium. Kirby, he lets in on it as well. And, also, George. But, otherwise, a complete secret.
He does somewhat better at keeping the eventual idol he finds a secret, although he does talk about having the idol up his sleeve as he puts it down the front of his pants, which suggests some rather interesting tailoring choices.
Yikes Gestures
Grade: C+
Meanwhile, over on The World tribe, Parvati has tallied up the number of women and realised they now outnumber the men on her tribe four to two, so why not gather up an All-New Black Widow Alliance™.
(And, of course, to be fair to Parvati, she almost certainly realised this before Rob was voted out, which is why she’s one of the greatest Survivor players of all time, and I’m just an idiot in a comfortable chair, typing on a laptop keyboard.)
And so, as the women convene to the ocean for a chin-wag, Tony and Tommi do the kind of ‘yikes’ gesture, where they pull at the collar of imaginary shirts to indicate how much they realise they’re in trouble.
This carries over to the mat chat before the challenge (a classic game of Battering Ram Wall-Smash Key-Hole Block-Transfer Bridge-Ladder Sandbag Throw™), where George and Janine incorrectly diagnose that Tony was not part of the Rob vote-out and that therefore the women are running the show over there.
I swear, if Luke passes Tony an idol and a letter explaining how to use it to break up the women’s alliance, I will lose my mind.
Pun-Based Votes
Grade: B+
It doesn’t come to that, though, because Tony summons his inner dad energy and guides The World tribe to victory in the challenge. Heck, even after he mistakenly assumes that the finish portion of the challenge needs to be done by a Finnish person, and lets Tommi tap in, he soon realises his error and takes back over, tossing down the last of the blocks to win, allowing The World tribe to gracefully exit from the rest of the episode.
LOST LIMB COUNTER: 0
And they have to go, because the Australia tribe has a lot of messiness to get through.
Kirby wants to take down David. Earlier, he revealed to her his secret plan for avoiding votes, donning a blonde wig. He then went on to explain how he was going to sunburn his chest and sew together a makeshift sundress so that if the votes ever came his way, he could simply pretend he was Shonee and escape being voted out in all the confusion.
“I call it Operation: ImperShonation,” he said, beaming proudly.
And Kirby made the mental note that David had to go… for the terrible pun, if nothing else.
Regicide v Deicide
Grade: B-
But it’s not as simple as all that. Others decide that, rather than voting out the Golden God, they’d rather vote out King George. It’s a classic regicide v deicide debate, as timeless as history itself.
George has different plans altogether than this tiresome ancient dichotomy, throwing Kirby under the opening credits truck, by telling David that she (Kirby) is gunning for him (David), right in front of her (Kirby, still). Kirby, annoyed, declares herself to be a princess, and goes to sit in the ocean, where anybody who wants to be part of the plan has to come to her. So, Ariel, I guess?
Despite and/or because of all this, David doesn’t trust George. He estimates how far he could trust him in terms of how far he could throw him, which he reckons is about 20 to 25 metres. Which you might think is a long distance, but David is very strong.
Still, my point is: A George-throwing challenge tomorrow, please.
More lies and deceit continue to be sniffed out. And, honestly, if I were playing with any of these people, I would burst into tears and tell them everything rather than suffer the humiliation of them effortlessly seeing through my best attempts at lying.
George, frustrated, tries to pivot the vote from David to Janine. He thinks voting for David is too risky, and points out that if they ‘vote off Janine, there’s no crying over spilt milk’.
A huge mistake. It’s ‘Vote off Janine, and there’s no crying over spilt juice’, surely?
Whims
Grade: A-
So off to Tribal Council they all head, and if you think plans are settled, you’re absolutely incorrect, and shame on you for even contemplating that. This isn’t The World tribe, people. This is Australia, a tribe of messy, messy bitches.
Janine sums it up best. ‘Mate, it’s fricken Survivor, isn’t it?’ she says, coining the tagline for all future Australian Survivor seasons.
Whispers fly everywhere, plans are changed on a whim, and then off a whim, and then with whims lurking in the nearby vicinity. Somehow, at the end of it, it’s a 3-3 tie between David and George, with George having erroneously thrown a vote on Janine.
And then, on the revote, Dave is voted off. He immediately announces his retirement from playing Survivor.
“What a shame that is, David,” says JLP. “To never see you on Australian Survivor again.”
“Well,” says David. “I didn’t say that.”
Dan vs The World
Okay. At the end of the previous episode, I suggested that David was the eleventh most likely person to be next voted out of the game (out of thirteen), just pipping Rest of the World representative Cat Jones, who suggested he was the twelfth most likely person to be next voted out. So, both terrible predictions, but mine marginally less terrible.
I therefore take a 1-0 lead over The World.
Here are my rankings for who I think will be voted out in the third episode from most likely to least likely.
Janine (if the Deicide Four stick together, they should split on Luke and Janine, and Luke has the idol)
Tommi (if the women’s alliance is real, the men on The World tribe are in trouble, and Tommi might go before Tony, just so Parvati and Cirie have the option of falling back to a US alliance)
Tony
Shonee (if the Deicide Four split their votes, George might see it as an opportunity to go for Shonee)
George (or vice versa)
Kirby
Kass
Parvati
Sarah
Lisa
Cirie
Luke (if Australia lose, he’s got to play his idol, right?)
Next up to represent the world against me is Chris, from the Previously on Australian Survivor podcast (and my co-host on the Lost Within Lost podcast from earlier this year). If you’re not listening to the Previously on Australian Survivor podcast, you’re missing out on the funniest Australian Survivor coverage out there.
Here’s Chris’s prediction for who will go next, from most likely to least
Parvati
Tony
Shonee
Janine
Sarah
Cirie
Kass
George
Kirby
Tommi
Lisa
Luke
Can The World fight back and level the scores against me? Let’s see.
Oh, and if you want to participate as part of the World team, to see if you can beat me in future episodes, just express your interest via the comments below.
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