Australian Survivor Report Card - Australia v The World - Episode 1
Featuring doing it, splitting spoils, standard definition television, stupidly heavy building blocks and DONDI
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Doing It
Grade: A-
Bloody hell. They did it. Those mad geniuses at Australian Survivor did it. They’ve actually got an Australia v The World season up, running, filmed and on our television screens.
They (well, somebody) even got rid of The Project so we wouldn’t have the traditional 2-3 minute overrun, delaying our show.
Because before we could mutter ‘Okay, Ten News+. Wrap it up.’ the boring hosts on this muted show were done, and we were being introduced to our casts, arriving in Samoa, accompanied by BIG LETTER NAMES.
And, look, you can read my own previews of the various players of Australia and The World tribes, if you like. But for ease of reference, the tribes are:
Australia: Shonee, David, George, Luke, Kirby, Janine and Sarah
World: Tony, Cirie, Parvati, Rob, Kass, Lisa and Tommi
This is the kind of introduction montage Australian Survivor does so brilliantly, building up the hype.
It’s a magnificently bombastic introduction, worthy of everybody involved (yes, even you, Tommi). And without seeming greedy, after watching it, I need for them to already be shooting Australia v The World 2.
Splitting Spoils
Grade: C
Once everybody arrives, there’s some mat chat, with many of the more famous faces being recognised and talked up (eg ‘holy shit, that’s Parvati’, ‘OMFG, is that Cirie?!’, ‘Wait. Survivor: Quebec’s very own Kass?!?!’, that kind of thing). Staying out of all this recognition is Kirby, who just comes right out and says ‘Don’t watch Survivor, don’t know who any of youse are. Where’s Feras?’
There’s also early big talk from Tony, who declares that the winner of this season will get not only the sole Survivor title, but also the world title and that he’s ready to ‘lose limbs for that’.
Which is a lucky coincidence, because JLP announces that the first challenge is a limb-chopping challenge!
Ha ha ha! No, it’s not. Instead, it’s a classic game of Slip’n’Slide Net Crawl Ring Bell Toss.
Players compete in pairs, the winner of each round wins an item of their choosing for their camp.
And the spoils are reasonably evenly split as follows:
The World: a mystery chest (ie, Rob’s), pillows and comfort items, coffee and tea, champagne and a big bucket of internal bickering
Australia: flint, fruit basket, tarp, and a deep desire to see George’s pants to be voted back into the game
LOST LIMB COUNTER: 0
And as we head into the ad break, Tony informs us all that this shorter version of the game will move so fast that the fans’ heads will be spinning. And maybe when he said ‘fans’ he was referring to us, the loyal viewers, but I choose to instead believe he was referring to the Australia tribe. (Minus Kirby, of course.)
Standard Definition Television
Grade: D
So, now it’s back to the various camps with groundwork being laid for alliances. Every single interaction in these scenes are variants of the following:
PLAYER 1: You’re the best. I can’t wait to work with you.
PLAYER 2: No. You’re the best. I can’t wait to work with you.
PLAYER 2 CONFESSIONAL: I am never working with Player 1
On The World tribe, the Americans vow to stick together, as they’re outnumbered. Cirie reminds us that she and Parvati have a long-standing history in the game, going all the way back to standard definition 4:3 ratio Survivor!
And the Americans are right to stick together, because Rob, a 16:9 HD veteran of Survivor: South Africa, is coming for them. Picking up on the zeitgeist of modern world politics, he rallies everybody else against the Americans.
Sure, Parvati tries to work her charms on Rob. But he counters by working his charms on her! There is a brief debate over who has the more beautiful eyes, and they agree to disagree, and reconvene later.
Cirie, meanwhile, wins over Lisa, who is her Number One Fan™. As for Kass and Tommi? Well, we’re yet to be shown whether either of them can speak English. (This is also true for Janine and Sarah.)
Meanwhile, over on the Australia tribe, one thing’s for sure: nobody wants to work with George. He tries to pitch a Luke (‘King of the Jungle’), David (‘Golden God’), King George alliance, but they’re not having it. A King-God-King alliance? It’s like the weirdest possible poker flop. Might make sense if Jordie (‘The Joker’) had returned, but a God card? No.
Stupidly Heavy Building Blocks
Grade: B
But no time for further George humiliation, because there’s an immunity challenge in which to compete. A classic game of Stupidly Heavy Building Block Slingshot-A-Tile™!
As always, the challenge comes down to who can lift the last stupidly heavy building block onto the top of the pile of stupidly heavy building blocks. David decides to literally carry his tribe(’s stupidly heavy building block) on his back, getting it to the top and giving them a challenge-winning head start on the slingshotting.
LOST LIMB COUNTER: 0
After the Australians win the challenge (‘Oi! Oi! Oi!’), Rob speaks with David, both still atop Slingshot-Shooting Tower, and asks for help in finding the key that will open the mystery chest. Because the World players are yet to come up with Mark’s Titans v Rebels game-breaking hack of simply tearing the lock off a mystery chest with your bare hands.
Still, what if the World tribe opens the chest and Leif is in there!
DONDI
Grade: B-
So, now it’s time for the vote, and, basically it comes down to Parvati or David, as they become irrevocably deadlocked over who has the more beautiful eyes.
The argument for voting out Parvati is simple: it weakens the American triumvirate, it keeps the tribe strong if (as Tommi posits) there are more physical challenges to come (and, uh, Tommi? You’re on Australian Survivor now, mate. They’re all physical challenges), and it prevents Parvati from joining up with David who (as was revealed earlier in the episode) she worked together with on the magnificently stupid show, Deal or No Deal Island.
The argument for not voting out Parvati? Well, it is her birthday.
So, bad new for Rob, who is knocked out in a unanimous vote, including one from Tony, who, as we see in the final scenes, is talking some tremendous nonsense about the Americans being sent to Samoa to accomplish a secret mission. More of this talk going forward, please, Tony!
Dan vs The World
Okay. Here’s a game we’ll play this season. After each episode, I’ll challenge a reader of this newsletter to predict who’s being voted out next, in the form of a ranking of all the remaining players. Whoever gets closest wins the round. Can I beat the rest of the world? Let’s see.
Here’s my ranking of who I think will go next from most likely to least, with some comments:
George (if Australia lose immunity, he’s toast)
Kass (if Lisa sticks with the Americans, they’ll get rid of Kass before Tommi)
Parvati (now that the David relationship is out of the bag, Lisa might convince Cirie to flip with the non-Americans)
Tommi
Lisa
Cirie
Tony
Janine
Shonee
Sarah
David
Kirby
Luke
First up to oppose me, it’s Cat Jones, @cricketbatcat on BlueSky. (And, by the way, if you’re not watching Australian Survivor along with us on BlueSky, what are you waiting for? Here’s some BlueSky tips to get you started.)
Here’s Cat’s prediction for who will go next, from most likely to least
Tommi
Tony
George
Kirby
Janine
Sarah
Kass
Shonee
Luke
Cirie
Lisa
David
Parvati
Which of us will get closest to the eventual vote-off? Let’s see.
Oh, and if you want to participate as part of the World team, to see if you can beat me in future report cards, just express your interest via the comments below.
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It really is that simple.
Shonee really does have to watch it...that's some impressive sunburn!