To Me, My X-Men Comics! - Uncanny X-Men Issue 103
In which there are leprechauns and, yes you read that right, leprechauns
PREVIOUSLY IN THE UNCANNY X-MEN: Xavier’s temper! Juggernaut battles! Facebook groups!
Oh, sweet Jesus, where to begin? Okay, so at the end of last issue, while Jean recovered in a hospital bed and Cyclops and Professor X had shrieking hissy fits at one another, the holidaying remainder of the X-Men were defeated in battle by Black Tom Cassidy and The Juggernaut. Fair enough, you might think. Superheroes and villains fight all the time, and villains are always gaining some kind of dramatically satisfying temporary upper hand. Of course, in most fiction, you don’t have one of the heroes being rescued by leprechauns. And yet, here we are, with the unconscious Nightcrawler being carried to safety by a secret team of the gold-lusting tiny people. Deus ex leprechauna?
Anyhoo, Nightcrawler regains consciousness and, after a brief interlude while he discovers a new superpower and recovers his shit from being rescued by freakin’ leprechauns, he discovers that this entire attack on the X-Men was nothing more than bait for Professor X. So Kurt disguises himself as Chuck and launches an attack on Black Tom and The Juggernaut. Sadly, it takes about eight panels of Nightcrawler leaping out of his ‘wheelchair’ and catapulting himself around the room, bouncing off the walls and teleportationally making a nuisance of himself, before Black Tom Cassidy realises it’s not the Professor at all. He’s evil, he’s not smart.
So Juggernaut punches a hole in the wall, which means Storm can see the sky, which cures her of her claustrophobia, so she bursts free, taking Colossus and Wolverine with her. Black Tom Cassidy and Juggernaut escape to the top of the castle with the still-unconscious Banshee and threaten to throw him off the turret unless the X-Men come up there. So they, uh, do. And beat the snot out of them. Again, evil ≠ smart. Eventually, with the aid of the leprechauns, Black Tom Cassidy and Juggernaut fall into the sea and are washed away. Presumably to death, but, of course not, because this is a comic book. A comic book with friggin’ leprechauns. And no character deserves to die in an issue like that. Not even Black Tom Cassidy.
MVPs: Scott, Chuck and Jean, who had the good sense to come nowhere near this stinkeroo of an issue.
Next Issue: Magneto is back! Thank fuck for that. If he’s brought a team of metal attack dwarves with him, this series of recaps may come to an abrupt halt. Plus, Monty Python references of varying obscurity!