Australia v England First Test, Day Two Report Card

Featuring daydreams, low jumping, Nena, wild overpromises and Travis fucken Head

Daydreams
Grade: B+

I said at the end of the first day that it had been a great three days of Test cricket. The second day of this Test? Somehow even more all-encompassing - a completely wild series of cricket.

In between the two days, I relocated to the Whitsundays for a bit of a family holiday. More precisely, a lovely sun-glistened Barrier Reef tropical resort, with the somewhat preposterous name of ‘Daydream Island’. As my Ridiculous Ashes co-host/co-author, Alex Bowden said, ‘I don’t know if that’s a reference, a metaphor, or an actual place.’

It may well be all three. Because the cricket on this second - and have I mentioned yet, final? - day of the Test was, indeed, like something out of a daydream. Or nightmare, depending on which direction one’s allegiances drain. But either way, something from the slumbering realms, a misimagined, freewheeling, kaleidoscope of cricketing nonsense that only made sense in dream logic. And even then, barely.

And yet, it was all real.

I think.

Low Jumping
Grade: C

It began with Nathan Lyon and Brendan Doggett adding a further nine runs to Australia’s overnight score to finish on 132, a deficit of forty on the first innings.

At the time, given how brilliantly England had bowled in the final session of the first day, a forty-run differential seemed ominous. Australia could easily be four wickets down by the time they made that many in the second innings, and that was before they had to contend with whatever England scored in their second dig. Should the undefeated Doggett, then, open the batting in that final Australian innings to provide a bit of stability? A lot of thoughts running through one’s head, as England looked to press home the advantage.

Yes, obviously, Mitchell Starc took a wicket in his first over. And, yes, obviously, Zak Crawley was out for a duck. That goes without saying.

What probably shouldn’t go without saying was that the Venn diagram intersection of those two events was achieved by Starc leaping sideways in his follow-through, onto the rock hard pitch, to grab a bunted-back chance at full stretch, centimetres off the ground. Starc’s brother is an Olympic high jumper. Difficult to compete with that, obviously, but what kind of low jumper is Brandon? His big brother may have him covered there.

Nena
Grade: A-

More importantly, after taking the catch, Starc ensured he kept the ball from sliding along the ground. A valuable lesson learned from Lord’s in 2023.

You know who didn’t learn valuable lessons from Lord’s in 2023? The England batters. For, much like in that particular Test, England, having worked their way into a strong position, managed to once again bollocks things up completely.