Australia v England Fifth Test, Day Four Report Card
Featuring carroty goodness, ridiculing your spouse, big lift-up cuddles, Jacob Bethell, injured bowlers and going Full Smith™
Note: Okay, no fooling this time. This is the final day of the series and, hence, Test. If you want to sign up to my Shadow Writing experience, you need to do so before the winning run is hit/last wicket falls.
Carroty Goodness
Grade: B+
Whatever hard-won gains Australia made on the third day of this Test, England unmade on the fourth day, as they reached 8/302 after cheaply removing the last three wickets of the Australian innings.
Unfortunately for England, Australia had also made hard-won gains on the second day that had yet to be undone by the tourists, which means the home side is still rather a fair way ahead in this Test. Still, might England yet undo Australia by undoing those earlier hard-won gains and thereby gain a late, hard win on the fifth and final day?
No. Almost certainly not.
Still, press that CTRL-Z, fellas. Press it with all your might.
England truncated Australia’s first innings on 567 (as the kids like to say these days, assuming they’re kids heavily into setup and preamble), thanks primarily to Josh Tongue once again dismissing Steve Smith for, I dunno, the zillionth time.
Smith is officially Tongue’s bunny. Is this better than being a bunny’s tongue? Hard to say. The first means you’re at least playing international cricket, albeit only until Josh Tongue deigns to dismiss you. On the other hand, the latter means getting the taste of a lot of carroty goodness. Genuinely difficult to split.
Ridiculing Your Spouse
Grade: B-
Once Australia were all out, Zak Crawley ended the series as he began - out in the first over to Mitchell Starc. Now you might therefore think that this is a sign that the gormless England opener has made no progress on this tour. Not at all.
For one thing, he made a run this time around, something he famously failed to achieve in either innings in Perth. For another, he didn’t waft at a ball outside off stump or chip it back to the bowler. No, instead he did what all good openers do, and what we’ve all been trying to drum into the empty heads of these senseless Bazball maniacs since day dot! He left the ball.
Sure, he left one that swung back in and hit his unprotected pad near enough in front of the stumps for the umpire to shoot him out and DRS not to save him. Rightly so. Proper bookending for Zak. Shame about the run.
On Fox Cricket commentary, Alyssa Healy then revealed she spent the innings break mocking Starc’s batting (bowled by Tongue like some kind of hapless Steve Smith) and firing him up, on the basis that ‘angry Mitch’ always bowls better.
This is wildly unfair, surely? Same old Aussies…
I say, the ICC should permit all spouses to ridicule cricketers during scheduled breaks if they think that will improve their cricket, not just those who happen to be international captains in their own right, commentating for the host broadcaster.
Still, my point is that, according to stats guru @SirSwampThing on BlueSky, Starc’s record for wickets taken in the 1st over of a Test innings now stands at:
Ball #1 - 4
Ball #2 - 4
Ball #3 - 2
Ball #4 - 3
Ball #5 - 5
Ball #6 - 9
What’s going on with ball three, Mitch? Need to lift, mate.
