To Me, My X-Men Comics! - Uncanny X-Men Issue 113
In which infant locksmithing skills are called upon and Woomera aerospace research receives a setback
PREVIOUSLY IN THE UNCANNY X-MEN: Punching yourself! Magnetic wood! Volcano lairs!
We begin this issue in the middle of a BBC News report. A grim storytelling choice to be sure, but one that Claremont justifies with coverage of Magneto’s recent attack on the Royal Australian Aerospace Research Facility at Woomera. Or, the RAARF, as we here in Australia call it. The BBC reporter goes on to reveal that both Australia and New Zealand were incapable of stopping Magneto’s rampages, despite ‘the most sophisticated weaponry known to man’, which, I have to admit, probably overstates our respective nations’ defensive capabilities. I mean, we lost a war to emus (this is not a joke), and New Zealand’s army consists of six hobbits and a strongly worded complaint form. Magneto has us covered.
Also covered? The X-Men. Who are trapped in a volcano beneath Antarctica, in manacles that not only neutralise their powers but also return them to the physical state of six-month-old infants. In addition, they’re being cared for by a robot nanny in a French maid outfit. At one point, Magneto, who is busy lounging around on Asteroid M, his criminal base secretly orbiting the Earth, complains to himself that he barely had the strength to return to his lair, let alone rebuild it. Yeah, that might be because you put a frankly disturbing amount of effort into building a caretaker robot for your infantilised mutant nemeses, ya big magnetic dummy!
And needlessly, as it turns out. Because Storm suddenly reminds us that she is a master locksmith. And, furthermore, one who honed her skills starting from six months of age. Is this a wildly implausible plot contrivance? Of course, it is. But perhaps that’s her secondary mutation. Either way, Storm’s perfectly capable of escaping from captivity while the Robo-Nanny ducks off to refuel her apron.
So she does. Then she frees the others, and upon Magneto’s return, there’s a massive fight that ends with the Antarctic lair destroyed, Magneto fleeing in a vastly weakened state, Jean using her Phoenix powers to fly Beast to safety then collapsing before Hank can point out that the middle of Antarctica isn’t technically all that safe and the rest of the team apparently melted away by molten lava. Boy, that Robo-Nanny is going to get her licence revoked.
MVP: Professor X. He’s not involved in any of the action, sensibly preferring to have a saucy dalliance on a Greek island with an alien princess. Classic Chuck. Made even more classic when he winces in psychic pain because he’s lost his ‘telepathic rapport’ with the team. Yeah, no shit, Xavier.
Next issue: Everybody thinks everybody else is dead. Which (spoiler!) they’re not.
