Hey, England, We’ll Lend You Mitchell Starc (To Teach You How To Bat)
Musings on the second Ashes Test from an anonymous former Australian Test cricketer
So the Poms are heading to Noosa for a week to recover from all the overtraining they did heading into the second Test. Can’t say I blame them. Lovely spot. Beautiful beaches, Queensland sunshine, relaxation, golf - because, of course, golf. A perfect place to get away from all the stress of going down 0-2 in the Ashes.
But here’s what I reckon Australia should do. They should send Starcy up there, too - and not because he deserves a holiday more than any of those Bazball clowns. But because maybe he can spend a few days teaching their dozy batters how Test cricket actually works.
Christ knows someone needs to help them. Their batting coach Marcus Trescothick has said he didn’t utter a single word to the batters between Tests about their stupid driving on the up. Don’t know why. Maybe he didn’t want to interfere with their ‘instincts’. Their instincts are dogshit, Marcus. You should interfere.
Still, maybe they’ll listen to the bloke who just showed them how it’s done, scoring 77 batting at number nine.
Besides, we’re 2-0 up. We can afford to be charitable. And Lord knows the Poms have completely lost faith in their whole Bazball philosophy. I mean, what was with Stokes and Jacks going along at 2.5 an over on that fourth day? I’ve watched council workers fill potholes faster than that. Slowest partnership in Bazball history. At least have the guts to stick to your principles, no matter how cooked they are.
Bugger me. When they should be sensible, they’re reckless. When there’s nothing to lose by attacking, they go defensive. It’s like watching a bloke put sunscreen on at midnight. They’ve got the right idea, just completely backwards.
And that’s what three and a half years of Bazball has stolen from the Poms: plain old cricket sense. They’ve been so busy reinventing the wheel, they’ve forgotten how wheels work.
But Starcy remembers, and he can remind them.
(Sadly, Big Mitch can’t help with their bowling. Because he’s a left-arm quick and England don’t have left-arm seamers. Dunno why. Maybe they reckon southpaws are cursed or some medieval bullshit. “Goodness gracious, young Algernon is bowling with the devil’s arm. Fetch the vicar at once!”)
But here’s what he’ll teach their batters.
Lesson 1: How to leave the ball
This is fundamental. Now I know some of the dropkicks in their top six are more clueless about leaving than the last numpty at a dinner party hanging about at 1am asking if there’s any more wine. But Big Mitch will teach them. It’s pretty fucken simple: Step 1) Leave the good balls. Step 2) That’s it.
Don’t drive at them. Don’t nick them. Leave them.
Lesson 2: Knowing when to attack
When the bowling’s loose - full tosses, half-volleys, pies - put it away. Now I know the England batters face more rubbish in the nets than a council garbo. So no wonder they think they can slog everything. But they don’t need to. Pick your moments.
Lesson 3: Building an innings
77 off 141 balls. Patience. Accumulation. Batting with a partner. Helping them through. Manipulating the strike. Using your brains. That’s Test cricket.
Not 50 off 30 balls then out. Not 10 off 3 balls then out. Not 0 off 1 ball then out.
Lesson 4: Game sense
Knowing what the match situation requires. When to accelerate, when to dig in. When to bat properly (always). When to bat like a pelican (never). Starcy will teach them how to do it. How to make a plan. How to stick to it.
And in between the Poms’ Sunshine Coast happy hour daiquiris, coral reef snorkeling and SPF50+ sunbaking, Starcy can even give some individual consultations. Channel some of that classic baggy green wisdom. The stuff we learn before we even play Test cricket. The basics.
Zak Crawley: How about this, Zak? Maybe have a look at one before wafting away like a dickhead.
Ben Duckett: Has a 3% leave rate or some shit. Mate, you’re not a 14-year-old hormone-riddled teenage boy. You can leave balls alone. It won’t kill you. I promise.
Ollie Pope: Stop skittering about like a crab with its arse on fire. The ball’s coming at you. Stand still and play it properly.
Joe Root: Doesn’t need help. Absolute class. Finally scored a century in Australia. Great to see. But maybe Starcy can describe to him what it’s like to win a Test in Australia. Bloody hell. He’s been coming here since he was a skinny kid with a helmet too big for his head, getting carded at every pub in the land, and still hasn’t tasted victory. Let Mitch paint a word picture for him at least.
Harry Brook: Has talent. Wastes it on the regular. That reverse scoop attempt in the first innings that almost saw him stumped by Kez? Fuck me. Big Mitch will teach him the difference between aggression and stupidity. It’s about time someone explained it to him.
Ben Stokes: Starcy can teach him about timing. Not shot timing. Situation timing. Ben showed in the second innings he can still bat properly. He just did it when the match was deader than a dingo’s dinner.
Last, and definitely least, Jamie Smith: Not sure anybody can help this poor clueless bastard with his batting. But Starcy was a keeper in his youth. Talented one, too, before he realised he could bowl 150 clicks and decided that was more fun. But we won’t get Big Mitch to teach Smith keeping. We’ll send someone better - his missus. I’m sure she’d enjoy a Noosa holiday too. Make it a little romantic getaway - if anyone can even think of l’amour with sixteen hopeless England cricketers swanning about the hotel, bomb-diving into the pool and belting out Don’t Look Back in Anger on karaoke night. Still, Alyssa’s a good’un. She’ll teach Smith how to catch. How to stand up to the stumps. How to actually keep wicket instead of whatever the fuck he’s doing now.
Look, I know this sounds generous. Maybe too generous. Normally we don’t help the opposition. We smash them into the ground like tent pegs. That’s what Tugga taught us. But this isn’t competition anymore. This is a massacre. It’s like watching someone try to fight a salt water croc with a pool noodle. It’s not fair. It’s not sport. And it’s as embarrassing as bringing a salad to a barbie. We don’t enjoy this. Well, we do. But we’d enjoy it more if they were good enough to make it interesting.
So send Starcy to Noosa. Give the Poms some lessons. They’ll still lose 5-0. But at least they’ll lose knowing how to bat.
That’s something.
