England v New Zealand, First Test, Day Two
Featuring smelling the blood of English bowlers, hypnotising Mr T, pitching outside leg, citizenship papers and Morpheus off the long run
Smelling The Blood of English Bowlers
Grade: C
New Zealand lost early wickets on day two as the ball continued to move all over the place like a cat-tormenting laser pointer.
Y’know, somewhere between the recent respective spates of both two-day Tests and 250+ v 250+ T20s exists the perfect balance between bat and ball. Admittedly, that’s not narrowing things down much, but perhaps all forms of the game could take a step back from the extremes and wander in the vague general direction of the middle.
It wasn’t until Kyle Jamieson arrived at the crease, determined to score only in wild, slogged sixes or strike-rotating singles, that New Zealand showed any prospect of getting close to England’s first innings total. And when he was joined by Will O’Rourke, we had the delightful sight of a giant pair of batters at the crease, belly-laughing at the comical tiny people who were running in and throwing their puny balls at them, while the slips cordon positioned themselves in a nearby beanstalk.
Alas, Jamieson’s inevitable magnificent bonkers century was denied him, thanks to his hapless bowling partners. New Zealand all out for 113, Jamieson stranded 62 short on 38* (29).
Hypnotising Mr T
Grade: A-
England began their second innings with unwelcome caution, with both Emilio Gay and Ben Duckett in defensive mindsets. Boooo! Did they learn nothing from the New Zealand innings? Either hit comical towering sixes (like Jamieson) or get out (like everybody else). Entertain us, you monsters!
If anything, the pair should have been even more confident in taking some funny risks, given the second innings record of Jacob Bethell. For while their sillily-haircutted number three averages about 8 in first innings, he averages 80-odd in the second innings.
Y’know, as a child, I vividly recall watching an episode of The A-Team where Hannibal, Face and Murdoch had BA Baracus hypnotised, so that if they said the word ‘eclipse’ to him, he’d fall immediately into a trance that would allow the others to get him on a plane, despite his infamous fear of flying. Great stuff. Proper 80s television. More of this, please. Sure, things went wrong later in the episode when a different string of words of which ‘eclipse’ was a subset (‘pass me the clips’) was uttered in the middle of some casual heated gunplay, leading to the team’s most physically intimidating member taking an untimely nap. Ha ha ha! How are you going to get out of this one, A-Team? Will your plan actually come together this time? (Answer: yes)
I guess what I’m saying is this: why hasn’t Brendon McCullum yet hypnotised Jacob Bethell into thinking first innings are second innings?
