Australian Survivor: Redemption Report Card - Week 8
Featuring rafts, Sally, the Caleb convoy, Loz and Caleb
Let’s close this out, shall we?
Rafts
Grade: A-
With the shocking ousting of Keeley, we enter the final week with Jackson musing philosophically about the very nature of ‘underdogs’ and how it can be that the Underdog Alliance here on Australian Survivor: Redemption can, in fact, have the numbers.
“Yet how can a lone dog be under the ‘underdogs’?” he wonders aloud in confessional.
But there’s no time for further rumination, because Caleb has made a raft and is fleeing the show! A bold play, indeed, from the season’s wildest player.
Jackson takes the opportunity to make the first palindromic confessional in Survivor history when he utters this two word sentence to producers: ‘Raft far!’
Everybody continues to watch from the shore in mild confusion, until our gorgeous sea king Kaelan from Brains v Brawn 2 rides in on a pair of dolphins, and guides Caleb effortlessly back to shore, before returning to the depths to rule his ocean empire.
Sally
Grade: D
Then it’s time for the final four immunity challenge, a classic game of Axe Ladder Water Discs™.
It’s precisely the kind of challenge in which Don would take great delight in telling everybody how he’d do each leg of it better. And yet, despite the lack of Don’s assistance, Jackson surges through to win immunity to establish this as one of the all-time tag-team challenge beast seasons. (Caleb, however, absolutely dudded by this not being a ‘build a raft and sail out to the middle of the fucken ocean for no reason’ challenge.)
Now it’s time to determine which of the underdogs (Loz, Caleb and Sally) will be betrayed by the other two. They each take turns to run off in pairs and assure one another that they have no choice but to vote off the third person. Which, of course, goes without saying. It’s literally their only option. But they say it anyway, because there are ad slots to fill.
(This includes ads for the new season of MasterChef. To which I say, pivot from the Australian Survivor season to the MasterChef one by having the chefs make a meal out of rice, rotten coconut and a dead sea slug, Channel Ten, you cowards!)
Jackson, on the other hand, is adamant he’s voting for Caleb.
“There’s nothing Caleb can say to me that I’d believe,” he tells us.
“Everything you’re saying is true,” agrees Caleb, setting up a paradox for Jackson to wrestle against. And lose.
The point is that Loz agrees to vote with Caleb for Sally, setting up a fire challenge. Or, as it’s known in these parts, the poor man’s rocks.
But Caleb ignites the fire with only the raw power of his crazed, blue eyes (David: “I’ll allow it!”) and Sally goes home.
Oh, and, in doing so, Loz successfully books herself a spot in the final two, no matter who wins the final challenge.
Right?
The Caleb Convoy
Grade: A
Into the final three, and Survivor fans all around Australia (and traditional Australian rivals, The World) are clambering aboard the Caleb Convoy.
We’re doing it for BJ McKay. We’re doing it for his best friend Bear. We’re doing it for the Bandit. We’re doing it for Optimus Prime. We’ve got ourselves a convoy.
But there’s no time to think of any more pop culture truckers. For example, Clint Eastwood and orangutan chum Clyde from the Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can movies? Did either of them drive a rig? Maybe. It’s been a long time since I’ve watched those films. And we can’t go back and check because it’s time for the final immunity challenge.
Or, to be more precise, it’s time to meet the loved ones before the final immunity challenge. And we do.
The challenge itself? A classic game of Look Out, Fuckers, I’m Gonna Stab Your Feet With Sharp Sticks For Hours On End™.
Once again, Australian Survivor producers, when considering my application to the show, please note I would not compete in a final challenge such as this (or, indeed, any of the other torturefests you’ve concocted over the years). I would instead tap out in the first minute and spend the rest of the time chilling with my loved one (Travis Head).
David reminds the players that victory here will ‘guerentee’ them a spot in the final tribal council, a lovely callback to his pronunciation of the ‘Berren’ tribe earlier in the season. Remember the Barren tribe? Not really? No, me neither.
Loz
Grade: C-
About nine hours into this ridiculous challenge, Jackson starts to feel sick. Is there a pressure point that could ease his nausea? If so, Jackson’s shameful ignorance of reflexology prevents him from finding it, and, after a number of false tumbles, he eventually falls into David’s mighty arms, defeated.
While medical professionals check if Jackson is still alive (good news: he is!), Loz tries to cut a deal with Caleb to let her win the challenge and put an end to all this torture.
“All what torture?” says Caleb, innocently.
And, of course, shame on Loz, who has known Caleb and his Gollumesque tendencies for weeks now. Simply offer the man a sweet juicy coney, delicious and tasty and warm, Loz. He’ll jump at the suggestion.
Instead, Caleb wins the challenge, and heads immediately to tribal council where he stuns everybody watching by keeping Jackson and brutally voting out Loz.
Then wakes up during the night to see Loz’s girls standing spookily over him, whispering ominous unspeakable threats.
Caleb
Grade: B
And so, after a final two breakfast that Caleb caught in his bare hands, it’s time for final Tribal Council.
Caleb and Jackson make their cases to the jury. And while Jackson appears, at first, to be the more compelling speaker, Mark is there to help Caleb along. Every time Caleb struggles to get his message across, Mark interrupts to set him back on the right path, the verbal equivalent of David catching Jackson as he fell off the challenge the previous night.
An example:
Caleb: I KNEW I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO COME FOR YOU ALL, SLITTING YOUR THROATS WITH BRUTAL BACKSTABBING WHENEVER YOU LEAST EXPECTED IT AND SOMETIMES CATCH A FISH IN MY BARE HANDS!
Jury: (eyes widen in alarm)
Mark: But Caleb, would you say you’re the kind of truck driver who blows the horn when kids signal for him to do it?
Caleb: YES I AM!
Jury: (applauds)
As Mark lifts Caleb up, Jackson is dragged down by Blanche, who points out that Jackson didn’t talk to her for eighteen days! The jury tuts disapprovingly.
Look, I don’t want to brag, but if I were ever on Survivor, I could go eighteen days ignoring my entire tribe. Easy.
Anyway, after everybody’s had their say (notable surprise exception: Cam!), we see a couple of votes from Mark (for Caleb) and Simon (for Jackson). For fans who’ve monitored closely which of this pair typically has their fingers on the pulse, this is a bit of a spoiler for who wins.
Then David buggers off back to Sydney where he promises to read the votes live on air five days before the show, in front of those fans who are even more keen to be spoiled.
Because, yes. It turns out that Caleb is the winner. Congratulations, Mark!
And blast those air horns, folks!