Australia v England Third Test, Day Five Report Card
Featuring drummers, hamstrings and winning the Ashes
Drummers
Grade: B+
It is often said that the wicketkeeper is ‘the drummer in the band’. Mostly by wicketkeepers themselves, to be fair.
This does not necessarily mean that they are brutish, wild-eyed Muppets inclined to smash everything they see while crudely shouting their own names, a la Animal of Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Nor does it suggest that they are prone to expire in grimly absurd ways, a la the various percussionists that supported Spinal Tap. And, of course, it definitely doesn’t mean that they are inclined to keep one-handed after an arm-losing car accident, a la Rick Allen of Def Leppard.
No, all it means, by my understanding at least, is that wicketkeepers are the steady, foundational figures of the team. The backbone of the side rather than a flashy batter or bowler who gets the glory. It is meant to highlight that the keeper is doing unglamorous but essential work every delivery.
Jamie Smith has so far on this tour been less the drummer of the band, and more the drum machine sample in the band. Offering little, a soulless simulation of the real thing.
And yet, here he was on the final day of this Test, combining with Will Jacks in a partnership that saw England reduce the runs required to win the match to below 200, barely offering a chance. Indeed, the closest he came to offering a chance was when Alex Carey and Cameron Green had vague thoughts that he might have tickled one through, before Pat Cummins came over and talked sense into the pair.
Of course, had I been the Australian skipper, I’d have sent the decision upstairs just to see if Snicko was in a mischievous mood.
But perhaps that - and no other reason - is why I’m not the Australian men’s Test cricket team captain.
Hamstrings
Grade: D
Instead, Smith continued on, unperturbed, and, as Nathan Lyon hobbled off the ground with a series-ending hamstring injury - a beautiful tribute to the 2023 Ashes - the England keeper took the opportunity to accelerate.
He crashed the new ball to all parts of the ground. (Well, not all parts. He didn’t hit it into the famous Adelaide scoreboard, for example, or the SEN commentary box, (‘brought to you by the famous Adelaide scoreboard - score well, score often’) or the ladies’ toilets. He’s too much of a gentleman for that. But he hit the new ball into lots of parts of the ground. That’s my point. Stop being so pedantic.) With four consecutive fours, he brought the remaining runs needed down to 150.
But just as Australia might have been beginning to worry, and England to believe, Smith suddenly made the mistake of trying to hit the 150 to win the Test off a single ball.
He failed to do so, instead caught by Cummins at mid on off the bowling of Mitchell Starc.
Unlucky.
Winning The Ashes
Grade: D
Brydon Carse then came in and he, too, toyed with England hopes and Australia fears for a while, combining with Jacks to bring the target within a hundred runs.
But when Marnus Labuschagne chose to do an encore performance of his catch from the previous day, left-handedly plucking a Jacks edge out of Carey’s gloves, the match was done.
Starc then dismissed Jofra Archer, and Scott Boland found the edge of Josh Tongue’s bat to wrap things up and take an unassailable 3-0 lead in the Ashes.
Swallowing Tongue? Marnus, for his fourth catch of the innings. It was, of course, the only instance of Tongue-holding in which the chatterbox Australian number three had indulged all Test, but it was surely enough for him to be named Player of the Match, right? Let’s say it was. Can’t imagine which unglamorous but essential other player might have received the award.
Anyway, two comfortable Ashes wins in a calendar year for Australia. Great to see.
It is now completely unclear to me how many players Australia need to drop out of their team to make this series competitive. They’ve already toyed with Josh Hazlewood, Cummins, Usman Khawaja, Steve Smith and Lyon. Maybe Starc, Carey and Travis Head to drop out in Melbourne? How much of a ‘worst team since 2010/11’ do they need to be to make it fair?
There’s only one way to find out.
