Australia Survivor: Redemption Ratings - Week 1
Featuring returnees, Daniel, smorgasbords, Cat and Eliza
It’s a new season of Australian Survivor, in which the theme is (producers flip open a dictionary and point to a word at random) redemption.
‘Huh,’ they think to themselves. ‘Let’s give ourselves something to redeem then.’ And they immediately sack JLP.
Because, yep, that’ll do it.
Returnees
Grade: B
We meet our two tribes. Or, in some cases, remeet them. Because we have returnees! The other players spot them and whisper urgently among themselves.
“There’s Mark!” says Lyndl, a superfan, and we cut to her audition, where she demonstrates how she’s willing to do anything to get on the show, by showing up to the interview without any vowels on.
“Who the hell is Mark?” says Don, who reveals himself in confessional to be Mat Rogers’ brother. Same kind of player, he assures us, just with a hat made out of beavers for reasons we sensibly don’t explore.
“Jack. Got it,” says a pastor named Daniel, who has been cursed by God to not remember anybody’s name.
Other returnees are recognised. “There’s Dirty Harry,” whispers somebody. (“Flirty Larry,” says Daniel.) “And Brooke.” (“Blythe.”) “Simon.” (“Silas.”) “And David.” (“David,” whispers Daniel, dropping to his knees to worship the Golden God, in direct defiance of the very first commandment - ‘Thou shalt have no other gods before me, even if they wonneth a season of the show that thou art on, as well as a veritable shit ton of shekels on Deal or No Deal Island.’)
“Five returnees!” says another noob, a truck driver named Caleb. “That’s too many!”
“You’re right!” says David, gesturing dramatically. “And therefore, I shall be… your new host!” And a smoke bomb explodes, and there’s lots of coughing, and when it clears, David’s still there, but now with a little sash that says ‘host’.
Daniel
Grade: D-
So the teams are split into two tribes and run their first challenge to determine their names. (“Oh, no,” winces Daniel. “There’s going to be names?!?”) It’s a classic Australian Survivor contest of Heavy Block Pyramid Puzzle Trolley Push’n’Flame™.
The winning tribe gets to call itself the Bounty Tribe, and live on an island stocked with all the earthly delights one can imagine (ie, a hammock!). The losing tribe is the Snickers Tribe, and their island is a hellhole of the worst kind. (“That’s okay,” says Cat. “I’m from New Zealand.”)
Simon and Harry are the two returnees on the Bounty Tribe, and Harry gives Simon instructions on how they’ll best work together. “If you say the rice is too crispy, that means Lyndl has the numbers. If you say it’s too warm, then Daniel is planning to backstab. If it’s mushy, they’re splitting the votes, but if it’s salty, trust no one. Unless it’s too salty, in which case, a new alliance was formed at the well. If I sneeze after eating it, play your idol.”
“Sorry, I’ll just get a pen,” says Simon.
Anyway, it’s a good thing that Harry did come up with this plan because after a particularly gruelling game of Wagon Wheel Push’n’Roll™, the Bounty Tribe are sent to Tribal Council. (“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” says Eliza. “Forget the Bounty, there are Wagon Wheels now?”)
Some dude named Cameron has strong opinions on the vote. “This season is about redemption. Which doesn’t mean following somebody else. I’ve never met somebody who wants to reinvent themselves as a sheep.”
I dunno, Cam. I’d quite like to reinvent myself as a sheep. Free wool? Can eat grass? Wolves always trying to dress up as you? What’s not to like?
Not that it matters. Because all schemes are aborted when everybody gets swiftly annoyed that Daniel can’t remember a single person’s name. They vote him out instead.
“I guess I’ll just have to go back to church,” Daniel says, as his torch is snuffed. “And continue spreading the good word of… oh… man… it’s on the tip of my tongue… bearded guy… lots of big ideas… I want to say ‘Jonas’?”
Smorgasbords
Grade: A-
Over to the Snickers Tribe, where Brooke is trying to find an idol. During the previous immunity challenge, Lyndl took her aside and explained how at the challenge before that, she found a clue to a hidden immunity idol, but it wasn’t a Bounty idol, it was a Snickers idol, but there was a Bounty idol, but on the Snickers beach.
“I’m sorry,” said Brooke. “Who are you?”
But the pair of them eventually sorted it out, and under cover of darkness, Mark helps Brooke find the idol.
Just in time too, because it’s time for a classic Survivor contest of Drown’Em’Ups™, in which your reward is a smorgasbord of rewards.
“Does that smorgasbord of rewards include as one of the rewards another smorgasbord of rewards, which, in turn, contains a smorgasbord of rewards, and so on ad infinitum?”
“Shut up, Mark,” says David.
“Will do, GG!” And he salutes.
(They call David ‘GG’ now. Call me a traditionalist but I think they should wait until he’s been sworn in as Governor General.)
The point is, the Snickers tribe wins reward and send a couple of nitwits (Ben and Blanche) off to choose their items for them. They return with not a single smorgasbord.
Cat
Grade: C
The immunity challenge is a classic contest of Chest Retrieval Spelling Bee Climb-A-Thon™, in which Simon proves his worth by climbing and spelling in slow motion.
A great moment for Simon, who has spent most of the game so far looking over his shoulder for George to come in and effortlessly undo all his schemes. Why, even at the getting-to-know-you session where everybody was discussing their best party tricks, Simon said his was ‘being completely outwitted by George at every turn’.
On the plus side, while he may not have yet found redemption, he did manage to trick Daniel into giving him a sweet pastor jacket before his torch was snuffed. So things are turning out okay for him.
Less so for Mark, who is deeply concerned by ghosts, who he suddenly claims are on the island haunting him. Who ya gonna call, Mark?
Luckily, despite being distracted by a sexy pottery session with one of the ghosts, Mark still has the good sense to rally the numbers at Tribal Council. He uses his knowledge of 1980s television (a gift from former ally Eden) and, in particular, Miami Vice, to spot a Don-Johnson split vote and switch the numbers to eliminate Cat instead.
He then dons a pastel jacket and no socks and heads back to camp in his Ferrari, listening to Phil Collins.
Eliza
Grade: B+
Overly confident, Mark now declares himself to be ‘the biggest player on the beach’. Weird, because given all his ghost talk, I could have sworn he was a medium.
Meanwhile, Harry is pondering up a storm. He muses in front of the fire better than almost any other player I’ve seen. A strong contemplator of his options is Harry. Plus, give him a toothpick? Forget about it. He’ll just be mulling things over like nobody you’ve ever seen.
What’s Harry pondering? We’ll never know. Because now it’s time for a reward challenge, the highlight of which is Brooke and Lyndl’s shambolic attempt to swap their idols. They take multiple aborted attempts but finally get there in the end.
The reward is doughnuts and a $5 coffee mug from home. They each have heartwarming images on them. Harry, for example, has a photo of his imaginary child from the first time he played. Gorgeous. Simon has his alignment chart to remind him to keep his head in the game.
And Lyndl, of course, ended up with Brooke’s mug. Eventually. The important thing is, it all makes for excellent prop comedy going forward. Simon, in particular, goes Full Bill Lumbergh from Office Space, popping in to every strat chat with coffee mug in hand. Great stuff.
Speaking of strat chats, Jackson takes Eliza aside and gives her some bad news about alliances. “You’ve been left out of the big alliance,” he advises her. “You’re in the bottom. A hopeless buffoon in the eyes of the majority. Just a truly unwanted member of the tribe.”
“This is such good info!!” responds a delighted Eliza and rushes off to wake up Lyndl in the middle of the night and tell her that she, too, is on the bottom.
“Lady, I need my beauty sleep,” says Lyndl.
Bounty then wins the immunity challenge after Don manages to outthrow Jackson in a classic contest of Barrel Roll-Coconut Throw™, inspiring Don to start demanding everybody call him ‘Don Coconut’ from now on.
Lyndl, meanwhile, takes the opportunity to organise a sleep-deprived revenge vote against Eliza.
Simon is unsure what’s going on. “HOW’S THE RICE, HARRY?” he suddenly shouts at Tribal Council. He clears his throat. “I SAID ‘HOW’S THE RICE?’” And winks, before slapping his forehead. “OH, RIGHT! I’M SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU. IT’S, UH, PRETTY TASTY? IS THAT RIGHT?”
Harry cunningly pretends to be somebody else, and Eliza is sent home. Jackson, cruelly left out of the vote, is sad, and left with no choice but to start a five-person alliance immediately. Easy as 1-2-3.