Women’s World Cup - Australia v New Zealand Report Card

Featuring apologising to Javed Miandad and lying commentators

Apologising To Javed Miandad
Grade: B

All right. Time for a World Cup. A proper one. ODIs and everything. Let’s do this.

The co-hosts, India and Sri Lanka, kicked off the tournament with precisely the right amount of kicking (ie, with all due respect to Javed Miandad and Dennis Lillee, none). Instead, Smriti Mandhana inexplicably chose not to score a century, before India recovered from 6/124 to set a target of 8/269 that proved too much for Sri Lanka to chase. (Successfully chase, that is. We don’t say that Wile E. Coyote isn’t chasing the Road Runner, simply because he’s so inept at it, do we? Exactly.)

The point is that Australia took one look at India’s opening match antics and decided they’d like a piece of it, thank you very much. So, after Phoebe Litchfield’s stunning double century - one of the best I’ve ever seen - was cruelly cut short on 45 (31), Australia mustered a collapse of their own.

Amelia ‘Melie’ Kerr and Lea ‘Ea’ Tahuhu were the bowlers doing all the damage, nagging away, targeting the stumps and tricking the Australians into chipping their shots to fielders over and over again. Before anybody other than the scorer knew what was happening, Australia had crashed to 5/128.

Could they recover to 269, like India did?

They could not. Instead, they recovered to 326, with Ash Gardner hitting 115 (83).

Imagine playing against this team. Utterly maddening.

Lying Commentators
Grade: D-

Nevertheless, as the commentators tried to make desperately clear during an innings break that otherwise focused on Ellyse Perry having played cricket for Australia since she was a literal baby, New Zealand still had a chance to chase the total down.

Sure, Australia had scored the highest ever total against New Zealand in a World Cup. Or it would have been the highest ever successful run chase in a World Cup. Or the highest in India. Or the highest by New Zealand. Or the highest after midnight in the homes of the most interested television viewers. Or some damn thing.

The point was that the outfield was fast, the pitch was good, and New Zealand were maybe favourites to win? (Again, if the commentators were to be believed. Which obviously they weren’t. Still, it’s their job to talk it up. Let them have their fun.)

Instead, following the lead of the New Zealand men in the earlier T20, the New Zealand women lost their top order cheaply. How cheaply? Like, without a run on the board. Or, in the case of Georgie Plimmer, without a ball faced on the board. Either way, an absolute steal for Australia’s bargain-hunting opening bowlers.

Also, great news for me, as it meant I could go to bed early. Sure, I stuck around for another hour or so for the sake of appearances. And, yes, Sophie Devine - 111 (112) - sort of threatened to make a game of it.

Sort of.

But New Zealand still fell 89 runs short.

Those bloody lying commentators.