The Late, Late (Big) Show with Glenn Maxwell

A chat show monologue from an alternate universe

(The Late, Late (Big) Show with Glenn Maxwell theme music plays. It is upbeat and brassy and goes never quite where you expect it to go.)

ANNOUNCER: From CA studios in Jolimont, Melbourne, it’s the Late, Late (Big) Show with Glenn Maxwell.

Tonight…

Paul Rudd…

Billy Joel…

And the magnificent magical stylings of Rory Burns.

(The music grows more frenetic, as the camera pans across the band)

ANNOUNCER: With Shane Watson and the Immobile Front Pads

And now, here’s your host,

Gleeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeenn Maxwell!

(The Immobile Front Pads, led by Shane Watson, build the music to a climax as Glenn Maxwell emerges on stage from behind a curtain. The audience cheer and clap like lunatics. Glenn holds up his hands, gratefully accepting the applause.)

GLENN: Thank you, thank you. You’re too kind. We’ve got a big show for you all tonight.

SHANE: Big show!

GLENN: We need a big one too. Because it’s been another tough day. Particularly for Jofra Archer. Did you see this? Jofra Archer’s elbow has flared up again, and he’s flying home to consult with experts.

I’m not sure if it’s going to help him though, because the elbow experts he’s seeing are Darrell Hair, Ross Emerson and Tony McQuillan.

(The punchline is accentuated by a rim shot and some mild laughter)

GLENN: (enunciating every syllable) Darr-ell Hair, Ross Em-er-son and To-ny Mc-Quill-an.

SHANE: The umpires who called Murali for chucking!

GLENN: (excitedly pointing to his band leader) Shane gets it!

Anyhoo…

In other news, figures have been released showing the proposed new ICC-revenue distribution model. India are set to receive a massive 38.5% of all earnings. 38.5%! Incredible. And fans in other countries are furious about this.

I tell you, there hasn’t been this much annoyance at a change in cricketing numbers since South Africa’s run chase in the 1992 World Cup semi-final.

(The crowd laughs)

SHANE: 22 off 1 ball. Ouch!