A Cricket Australia elf sidles up to a passer-by.
âMay I interest you in attending the Test?â
âNo, go away. Youâre being a pest.â
âBut I have two tickets right here in my vest.
Weâve got with the times, and made sure that it rhymes,
And thatâs why youâll find that the West Test is best.â
âItâs good to see that youâve in some way progressed.
I like that it rhymes, and that youâve got with the times,
But this Australian side is still one I detest.â
âWell, this is a problem that must be immediately addressed,
Cricket fans hating our side? Why, that makes us depressed.
Theyâve won all the trophies and retained the urn.
What more must they do for your opinion to turn?â
Do you want to know why I remain so unimpressed?
And why I shanât attend your precious West Test?
(Even though it rhymes, because youâve got with the times.)
If I didnât know better, Iâd think this a jest,
But step back, for Iâve concerns to get off my chest:
That Pat Cummins chap is an ordinary bloke,
Always knifing JL, or doing a âwokeâ.
Heâs supporting The Voice, and taking a knee
He loves solar power and hugging a tree
Why Iâve even heard he has a business degree!
That kind of captain is not for me.
But itâs not just the skipper who I canât abide
Iâm equally scornful of the rest of the side.
David Warner has chosen his retirement date
Overruling the selectors? Thatâs something I hate.
Travis Head is okay, heâs got a cool mo.
But heâs not sole vice captain? Heâs only a âcoâ?
Smith and Marnus are weirdos, I donât think thatâs too harsh.
And Cameron Greenâs out of the side, replaced by Mitch Marsh?
Mitch Starc has a mansion on Sydney Harbour
Lyonâs too bald, and Carey wonât pay his barber
Josh Hazlewoodâs surname is too hard to spell
Itâs an âlâ, then an âeâ, when it should be an âeâ, then an âlâ.
But most distressing of all is the fresh newsÂ
That Usman Khawaja has words on his shoes!
I will not abide that, for that I wonât stand,
Shoes should be like cricketers, empty and bland.
(sighing)
âI see you have strong opinions about being our guest.
So I shall put these free tickets right back in my vest.â
âWait! At no point did you mention the tickets were free!
That changes everything. Now give them to me.â
The Cricket Australia elf does so and dances a triumphant jig.Â
Merry Test Day, one and all!Â