T20 Is A Shit Format, But That Doesn’t Mean We Should Be Shit At It

Musings on the T20 World Cup from an anonymous former Australian Test cricketer

I’ve never felt more humiliated than I did this morning when I was told by the bloke down at the servo that Australia had been knocked out of the T20 World Cup. Fuck me, I didn’t even know we were in it, and now we’re out? An absolute embarrassment for Australian cricket that had me spitting chips from the moment I heard about it.

Look, I don’t watch T20s. We all know it’s not real cricket - it’s batting practice with fireworks and a DJ, just three hours of slogging, interrupted by some bloke in a Hawaiian shirt shouting at you about KFC.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not totally ropeable about what’s gone on over in wherever this World Cup is being played. I want to say ‘Sri Lanka’, because apparently we’re going home because it rained there? In a game we weren’t even playing? Don’t fully understand it myself, but one thing I do understand is that the selectors must be held accountable for this humiliation.

Now we all know T20 cricket is the idiot’s version of the game. Nothing but mindless hitting for the TikTok generation, with their 6-7s and their Twitch streams and their not using headphones on public transport. But that just makes losing at it even worse. How does Australia get knocked out of a World Cup in the easiest, most shit-for-brains form of the game? I mean, just hit sixes. That’s it. That’s the whole sport. You’re telling me Australia - the most successful cricket nation in the history of cricketing history itself - can’t hit sixes any more? Who the fuck did we select in our team? Did we raid a physics department? Storm a chess club? Pick eleven accountants from H&R Block and hand them bats?

It’s unacceptable, because I don’t care if it’s T20, ODIs, Tests, beach cricket, indoor cricket, or hitting a tennis ball with your granddad in the backyard, if you’re wearing Australian colours, you’re not supposed to lose. Especially not in the group stages, which is apparently all we got up to here. Group stages! That’s not even the main event. It’s like getting knocked out of the tournament based on a nets session.

Now, like I said, I didn’t watch any of the matches. I don’t have Stan Sport Plus or Amazon Prime for Nerds or the Kayo Unlimited Bullshit World Cup package, or wherever the fuck this tournament was being streamed in the middle of the fucking night, but according to Bing (the search engine, not the fast bowler), we lost to Zimbabwe?

That can’t be right, can it? I thought Zimbabwe gave up cricket when the Flower brothers packed it in. How are they back two decades later knocking us out of this pissant tournament? Did they get bonus points or something for showing up?