At a wake, a man and woman toast the memory of their friend.
WOMAN: (raising glass) Farewell, Michael. You’ll be missed.
MAN: (also raising glass) That you will, mate.
The pair down their drinks.
WOMAN: He truly was the best of us.
MAN: (wincing) Engh.
WOMAN: What?
MAN: (shrugging) He wasn’t the best of us.
WOMAN: What do you mean by that?
MAN: Well, by what metric are you measuring his purported superiority?
WOMAN: Metric? I’m not using any metric.
MAN: Obviously. Because, frankly, I can’t think of any metric by which Michael surpassed both of us.
WOMAN: What are you saying?
MAN: I’m saying that, for example, I was stronger than him, was I not?
WOMAN: I don’t know.
MAN: How much could Michael bench press?
WOMAN: At the end?
MAN: I can bench 110kg. Even in his prime, I doubt Michael could have beaten that.
WOMAN: That’s not what I meant.
MAN: And if we’re talking academically, you’ve got him beat there. You have a Masters in Biology. Don’t downplay that.
WOMAN: I’m not downplaying anything.
MAN: And on it goes. I could parallel park better than him. My phone battery management was better than his. I could hold my breath longer than him. He wasn’t the best of us.
WOMAN: How do you know you could hold your breath longer?
MAN: Well, not now, obviously. He’s got me beat there these days. (chuckles) But, again, at our respective peaks, holding our breath and remaining alive? I had him beat.
WOMAN: How do you know?
MAN: Just a vibe.
WOMAN: A vibe?
MAN:I just feel like, between the two of us, you and I have got him covered in virtually every field of endeavour.
WOMAN: I don’t want to make this comparison.
MAN: And even in the unlikely event that there were some aspects of life in which he surpassed us, there certainly weren’t enough for him to be adjudged across the board as being ‘the best of us’.
WOMAN: It’s just something you say.
MAN: But it’s not accurate, is it? Why make such outrageous claims?
WOMAN: It’s a way of honouring him. Of showing respect.
MAN: By lying about his accomplishments? Name one area in which he surpassed me.
WOMAN: (staring furiously) He wouldn’t have been so pedantic about a simple memorial phrase like ‘he was the best of us’.
MAN: And that’s your measure of a man, is it? A willingness to stand by falsehoods?
WOMAN: Under these circumstances, yes.
MAN: (rolling his eyes) Fine. He was a better social liar than me.
WOMAN: He was better in many ways.
MAN: Fine. If you loved Michael so much, why didn’t you marry him?
WOMAN: (eyes bulging) I’d intended to. We were engaged. He was going to be my husband.
MAN: Then you’re hardly an unbiased observer, are you? (harrumphing) ‘The best of us’. Tch.
WOMAN: (sobs quietly)
MAN: And another thing, if he was ‘the best of us’, why was I going to be the best man? Hmmm?
WOMAN: (still sobbing)
MAN: Check and mate.
He wanders off to find some canapés.