New Zealand v Australia First T20 Report Card

Featuring T20 aperitifs, Black Cap celebrity emulations and not cheating

T20 Aperitifs
Grade: D

So, apparently, the Australia and New Zealand’s men’s cricket teams had a look at the schedule, saw that their female counterparts (not actual counterparts - they weren’t regenerating like Time Lords or Ghostbusters or Michael J Fox in Back To The Future 2 or anything) were due to play in the women’s World Cup, and came up with an idea so crazy it just might work.

“You know what?” they seemingly said to one another. “With the time zones the way they are, what with the Earth’s rotation and all, we could probably squeeze a T20 aperitif in here.”

And so they went to work, despite having both Glenn Maxwell (broken arm) and Ravindra Jadeja (lacerated face?!?) ruled out of the series in (presumably separate) training mishaps.

It was, of course, New Zealand who made much of the early running in the chivalry stakes, throwing away their top order in the first ten balls to make sure there was no overlap between the two matches, before somebody explained that the women’s match was still three hours away, not twenty minutes.

“Oh, fiddlesticks!” they said. But, y’know, in the accent. So, adorable.

Black Cap Celebrity Emulations
Grade: D+

Luckily for New Zealand, Tim Robinson suddenly surged to the middle, dressed as a batting collapse, and assured the rest of the lineup that they were all trying to find the guys who did this.

When that reference failed to work, he called for the hot dog costume instead. But after that allusion also fell on deaf ears, he fumed in a frustratedly comical fashion and decided to just score an unbeaten century, guiding his team to a seemingly respectable 6/181 from their twenty overs.

“Oh, wait,” said Marcus Stoinis in between effecting a run out with a between-the-legs relay throw. “I get it. Tim Robinson from I Think You Should Leave.” He sniffed. “I guess, as Black Caps celebrity emulations go, it’s more socially acceptable than Mark Chapman.”

“Exactly,” said Robinson. And then peered closely at Stoinis. “Wait. Didn’t you retire?”

And Stoinis had to sit him down and explain which formats of the game he’d retired from. Honestly, who can keep track any more? International cricketers need a set of traffic lights that they tattoo on their necks indicating which forms of the game they still play.

Get to it, ICC.

Not Cheating
Grade: F

But Stoinis’s presence on the field wasn’t the only startling shock for Australian cricket fans.

At one point, Tim David took an outfield catch, before immediately shaking his head and signalling to the umpires that he had, in fact, spilled the chance.

I mean, what? Almost fifty years of relationships between the two countries built on the solid foundation of the Australians being willing to bend the rules at every possible opportunity, and the New Zealanders looking down their noses at their West Island brothers for such mischief. And here’s Tim David undermining all that good work by volunteering that he’s not held a catch.

Furthermore, this random T20 series is apparently this year’s Chappell-Hadlee Trophy for goodness sake! What would Greg and Trevor think of David’s behaviour? Why, next you’re going to tell me that Sir Richard is over in Australia, not being called a wanker!

The whole thing is teetering on the brink here.

Luckily, Mitch Marsh, fine leader that he is, blasted Australia to an effortless victory in the run chase, to provide some sense of trans-Tasman familiarity to proceedings.

Also, he did it with ten minutes to spare before the women started. So I think we got away with it.