Men’s Ashes Second Test Report Card, Day Three

Featuring unruly infants, sneering question reversals and fourth books

Unruly Infants
Grade: D

The third day resumed with England in a strong position, despite losing some careless wickets the evening before. With Nathan Lyon arriving at the ground on crutches as a result of his calf injury*, England simply had to wait out the bouncer barrage, tire the Australian quicks and feast on their exhaustion to surge to a first innings (and probable match-winning) lead.

(* Technically, of course, with Nathan Lyon, it's not a calf injury. It's a kid injury.)

Instead, they gleefully threw their wickets away, like unruly infants in a high chair. Yes, Ben Stokes fell to a catch from Cameron Green - the kind of thing that can happen to any of us when we least expect it. But Harry Brook celebrated his half-century by swatting a chance straight to Pat Cummins, as did Jonny Bairstow, perhaps also wanting to get a glimpse of the Australian captain’s dazzling smile, 

With just the tail remaining, Green bounced a ball into Stuart Broad’s jaw for some reason, prompting speculation of a possible Mark Wood concussion substitute for the second half of the Test.

Instead, Broad continued on, only to be dismissed by some Travis Head filth. Australia’s number one, vegan-endorsed, goat substitute cleaned up a pair of England’s number elevens, also taking the wicket of Ollie Robinson, who cunningly avoided the ignominy of being stumped by getting a feather on his wild waft instead. 

It’s no wonder they call Travis Head 'the mop'. (Although that’s mostly because of the moustache, to be fair.)