India v Australia First ODI Report Card
Featuring disrespect, lacklustre running and things in sleeves
Disrespect
Grade: D-
Hey! You! There in the shirt. Did you know there’s a World Cup starting in, like, two weeks? And not one of those T20 World Cups that are always starting in two weeks. A proper, honest to goodness, ODI World Cup.
Well, there is. Sure, the ICC and BCCI have tried to hide this fact from us, doing their usual shell game of ‘ohhhh… you want to know where matches are taking place, eh? Not so fast, cricket fan - we’ll let you know when we are good and/or ready’. But this is real. This is happening.
And, as such, India and Australia are playing a series of warm-up matches. India won the toss in the first match and immediately showed shocking disrespect by having their openers put on a century partnership.
Ghastly behaviour. Don’t they know that opposing teams are supposed to immediately collapse in the face of this great Australian team? What did they think they were doing? Making the match a contest? How droll.
Sensibly, Alyssa Healy turned to Ellyse Perry, getting her to bowl a few overs, like it was the 2010s or something (remember the 2010s?). Still, a good move. What are you going to do, Team India? Disrespect Ellyse Perry? No.
Lacklustre Running
Grade: D+
The opening partnership between Pratika Rawal and Smriti Mandhana was eventually broken when they violated one of the oldest sayings in the game: never run on a Litchfield.
Foolishly, they did so. Or, at least, Mandhana did, and was then sent back. She was stranded half a pitch out of her crease when Phoebe Litchfield - the ghastly little show-off - didn’t even bother throwing it to Healy standing above the stumps, but, instead, executed a direct hit. Sorry, skip. Not sharing the credit for this run out with you.
It was all part of a display of lacklustre overall running from India, who put on a masterclass in turning ones into actually, still just ones.
Sure, they tried to compensate by hitting occasional sixes, but as a wise old taco commercial once hinted at: why not hit sixes and run well between wickets?
Things In Sleeves
Grade: B-
As a result, India reached just 7/281 from their fifty overs. Slightly subpar, this felt like a target Australia should be able to chase down. (Although, admittedly, I’d say this pretty much regardless of what total was scored.)
But India had some interesting fielding ploys up their sleeves. And by ‘fielding ploys up their sleeves’ I mean ‘dropsy hands poking out of their sleeves’, as they fumbled several chances in the field, dropping Litchfield on zero and 56 (she went on to make 88 (80)), Perry on 20 (she retired hurt on 30* (38)) and Beth Mooney on 58 (she finished on 77* (74)).
Not content with bad catching, the outfielding was similarly sloppy with several boundaries going notably unsaved.
It all meant Australia cruised to victory with eight wickets and 35 balls left. A comfortable victory, the last hour of which I may well have long-blinked my way through, as we drifted well past midnight. A good warm-up not just for the players, but for those of us spectating.
‘But, wait!’ some of you might by crying. ‘Go back a couple of paragraphs. What’s all this about Perry retiring hurt? Is she in danger of missing the World Cup?’
No. She just had cramp. It was a humid night, and, unlike certain Glenn Maxwells I could name, Perry had zero interest in any form of no-legged six-tonking. Be serious. Grow up. Bat properly or not at all.