How Much More Interesting is England’s Ashes Squad If They Bat in Alphabetical Order?

See headline question

With typical Bazball hubris, Brendon ‘Baz’ McCullum and Ben ‘Ball’ Stokes have named England’s Ashes squad 60 days before the series begins.

Those wacky japesters. Anyway, in a boring nod to tradition, they named the squad in alphabetical order, which naturally got me wondering the titular question of this article, which I’ll repeat here for your ocular convenience.

How Much More Interesting is England’s Ashes Squad If They Bat in Alphabetical Order?

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Top Order

Jofra Archer (Test avg: 7.90) and Gus Atkinson (Test avg: 22.35) form a captivating opening pair, with both having better Test batting records than any England openers to have toured Australia in the past decade! Archer will get England off to a flyer, while Atkinson sees off the new ball. It is 100% guaranteed that Atkinson will not be bowled behind his legs first ball of the series, so England are already on the rise.

At first drop, Shoaib Bashir (Test avg: 7.07) will provide a dash of the unexpected. What do all of England’s great number threes of the past have in common? That’s right. Youthful exuberance and a high release point. Is Bashir the new Wally Hammond? I don’t see why not.

Middle Order

The engine room of this batting lineup is Jacob Bethell (Test avg: 38.71), Harry Brook (Test avg: 57.55) and Brydon Carse (Test avg: 23.45). The trio will look to build upon the solid foundation of the top order and grind the Australian attack into the dust (assuming the ICC permits this - the paperwork is currently still on Virat Kohli’s desk). Brook is also the new vice-captain of the team, an honour that will surely lift him to even greater heights and/or be something that slips his mind around about the third day of the series.

Carse may also be called upon in a fifth bowler role, should his right arm fast-medium seamers improve.

Wicket Keeper

Zak Crawley (Test avg: 31.55) will keep wicket for the tourists. While his glovework is sublime, he’ll be looking to improve his record with the bat to help guide the tail to the large first innings totals needed to succeed down under.

Spinner

Ben Duckett (FC avg: 49.50) is the shock inclusion as England’s first choice spinner, despite having only ever taken two wickets at first class level and bowled zero (0) balls in his 38 Tests.

An out-of-the-box selection from the Team England brains trust, but one thing is for certain: Ben Stokes will back him to get the job done!

Seamers

The seam attack consists of Will Jacks (Test avg: 38.66), Ollie Pope (Test avg: N/A) and Matthew Potts (Test avg: 29.44), a fiery trio that will be sure to challenge Australia’s fragile top order.

Yes, Jacks is down on pace, and, yes, Pope has only bowled a single over in his entire first class career, but both players have vast experience and will surely lift in the cauldron of the Ashes. Pope will also have the added advantage of no longer being burdened by the vice-captaincy, so that he can focus solely on blasting out the Australians.

Can we expect a Jacks-Potts! headline somewhere in this series? Let’s pray to the Pope that we can.

Twelfthie

Joe Root is the perfect twelfthie, a regular tourist to Australian shores who will know precisely how to mix cordial in an optimal hydrating fashion. He is also a safe pair of hands (Test catches: 213), should he be called on to substitute in the field at any point. Can he shut up tedious Australian fans and commentators by scoring his first Test century down under while not in the starting XI? It’ll be challenging, but you wouldn’t bet against it.

Substitute Fielders

The squad is rounded out by backups Jamie Smith, Ben Stokes (captain), Josh Tongue and Mark Wood. Stokes’ decision to captain from the safety and comfort of the dressing room is yet another stunning piece of Bazball innovation, and means the England skipper will be available for all five Tests. Take that, Patrick Cummins!

PREDICTION: England 5-0!