First Dates with the Songs from Queen’s Greatest Hits
Can anybody find me somebody to date?
Bohemian Rhapsody - Starts the evening perfectly charming, then abruptly excuses themselves to make a phone call that you can hear escalating through the restaurant window. Returns composed, insists upon complicated dish modifications. Halfway through dessert, stares into middle distance for full minute before snapping back with ‘Sorry, where were we?’
Another One Bites The Dust - Cool, controlled energy but there’s something predatory in how they lean back and watch you. Asks pointed questions about your last relationship’s end. Knows your dating history from social media. Smirks when you stumble over answers.
Killer Queen - Orders for you without asking. Knows the sommelier by name at a restaurant they claim to have never visited. Casually mentions their weekend place. Three of their stories end with ‘anyway, they were never found’.
Fat Bottomed Girls - Extremely confident in their type. Won’t stop talking about their ex in weirdly appreciative terms. Suggests you both get dessert, then watches intensely while you eat it. Makes the waiter uncomfortable with a comment about their build.
Bicycle Race - Arrives in full racing gear. Keeps comparing your relationship potential to gear ratios. Proposes you both do a spin class instead of dessert. Tracks their heart rate throughout the meal. Orders the leanest protein available and judges your carbs.
You’re My Best Friend - Desperately affable. Brings a small gift ‘just because’. Keeps saying how comfortable they feel with you. Mentions moving in together as a joke but their eyes linger on yours without blinking. Already has a nickname for you. Texts you immediately after the date asking when you can hang out again.
Don’t Stop Me Now - Forty-five minutes late, offers no apology. Orders three cocktails before entrées arrive. Keeps checking their phone. Offers to have sex in the bathroom but disappears once the bill arrives. Texts you at 3am asking where you went.
