First Dates with the Songs from Queen’s Greatest Hits

Can anybody find me somebody to date?

Bohemian Rhapsody - Starts the evening perfectly charming, then abruptly excuses themselves to make a phone call that you can hear escalating through the restaurant window. Returns composed, insists upon complicated dish modifications. Halfway through dessert, stares into middle distance for full minute before snapping back with ‘Sorry, where were we?’

Another One Bites The Dust - Cool, controlled energy but there’s something predatory in how they lean back and watch you. Asks pointed questions about your last relationship’s end. Knows your dating history from social media. Smirks when you stumble over answers.

Killer Queen - Orders for you without asking. Knows the sommelier by name at a restaurant they claim to have never visited. Casually mentions their weekend place. Three of their stories end with ‘anyway, they were never found’.

Fat Bottomed Girls - Extremely confident in their type. Won’t stop talking about their ex in weirdly appreciative terms. Suggests you both get dessert, then watches intensely while you eat it. Makes the waiter uncomfortable with a comment about their build.

Bicycle Race - Arrives in full racing gear. Keeps comparing your relationship potential to gear ratios. Proposes you both do a spin class instead of dessert. Tracks their heart rate throughout the meal. Orders the leanest protein available and judges your carbs.

You’re My Best Friend - Desperately friendly. Brings a small gift ‘just because’. Keeps saying how comfortable they feel with you. Mentions moving in together as a joke but their eyes linger on yours without blinking. Already has a nickname for you. Texts you immediately after the date asking when you can hang out again.

Don’t Stop Me Now - Forty-five minutes late, offers no apology. Orders three cocktails before entrées arrive. Keeps checking their phone. Offers to have sex in the bathroom but disappears once the bill arrives. Texts you at 3am asking where you went.

Save Me - Brings up their recent breakup within five minutes. Every topic somehow circles back to their emotional damage. Grips your hand across the table with concerning intensity. While you’re choosing a wine, asks if you believe in soulmates.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Dressed like they’re The Fonz. Keeps trying to do old-fashioned romantic gestures that don’t quite work anymore. Earnest in a way that’s almost endearing. References movies from the 1950s as current. Wants to pay for everything but their card gets declined.

Somebody To Love - Arrives already emotional. Asks deep existential questions before you’ve ordered drinks. Needs constant reassurance that the date is going well. Checks their reflection in every surface. When you excuse yourself to the bathroom, texts asking if you’re coming back.

Now I’m Here - Desperately overcompensating from the moment they arrive. Takes up enormous space at the table wearing something with serious shoulder presence and too many sequins. Talks exclusively about themselves. You realise two hours in you haven’t said more than twenty words.

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy - Shows up with flowers and manners. Actually pulls your chair out. Weirdly formal speech patterns, possibly British accent that comes and goes. Treats the waiter like a butler. Every gesture feels choreographed from a different era. You’re charmed despite yourself, though slightly concerned they might own a top hat.

Play The Game - Keeps making pointed comments about ‘the rules’ of dating. Testing you with loaded questions. Everything feels like a strategic move. Talks about their ex who ‘didn’t understand how this works’. You’re exhausted by the main course.

Flash - Impossibly dressed. Clearly spent hours on their look. Name-drops within thirty seconds. Everything moves at double speed - talking, eating, drinking. Takes a call mid-entrée about something ‘urgent’ in Milan. Makes grand pronouncements about how this night will be legendary. Smells like lightning. Owns it.

Seven Seas Of Rhye - Mysterious to the point of concerning. Cryptic answers to basic questions. You’re never quite sure if they’re deeply interesting or having you on. Orders something not on the menu and somehow gets it.

We Will Rock You - Rhythmically taps the table throughout dinner. Keeps using ‘we’ when they mean ‘I’. ‘We don’t really do white wine, do we?’ Extremely confident in a way that borders on tyrannical. You feel conscripted rather than courted.

We Are The Champions - Responds to every anecdote with ‘I’ve done that, but professionally’. Corrects the waiter on wine pairings. Ends the evening by telling you about their ‘Employee of the Month’ win from seven years ago. Quotes what their manager said verbatim.