Fiat Lux: Why Stokes Surpasses Bradman and 0-2 Isn’t Actually 0-2

Musings on the second Ashes Test, from an anonymous knighted former England Test cricket captain

Everywhere one turns one hears repeated claims that England find themselves 0-2 down in the Ashes after defeat in Brisbane. But are they? Because claimants of that scoreline are labouring under certain assumptions that merit examination. Specifically, what constitutes a Test match? This isn’t sour grapes - the same argument would be equally valid were England leading 2-0. No, it’s a matter of sporting integrity. Cricket’s identity depends fundamentally on its equipment and conditions. Change those, and you’ve changed the sport itself.

Test cricket has been played with a red ball under natural sunlight since 1877. One hundred and forty-eight years of tradition. The pink ball appeared in 2015 - barely a decade ago. The Ashes predates this fluorescent aberration by one hundred and thirty-eight years. Would we accept Wimbledon played with blue tennis balls? Football with hexagonal goals? Polo played atop kangaroos? Of course not. The equipment defines the game.

The pink ball behaves differently. Different swing characteristics. Different deterioration patterns. Different visibility, particularly during the twilight period when neither natural light nor floodlights properly suffice. A ‘day/night Test’ bears the same relationship to genuine Test cricket that Prosecco does to Champagne - perfectly adequate for casual consumption, one supposes, but those with refined appreciation recognise it as rather ersatz. One could equally argue that pink ball cricket should maintain separate statistical records, much as ‘Twenty20’ does. It’s a variant, not the genuine article.

England coach Brendon McCullum acknowledged after Brisbane that England had ‘overtrained’. Of course they had. They were learning a fundamentally different sport. One doesn’t simply prepare for pink ball cricket the way one prepares for a proper Test. One must master what is essentially a parallel discipline. England overtrained because they were conscientious enough to recognise this distinction. Australia, naturally, required no such preparation - they’ve corrupted the format so thoroughly that pink ball cricket feels native to them now. Rather like how processed cheese feels natural to American palates.