England v Zimbabwe One-Off Test, Day Two Report Card

Featuring missing the first session, rhyming slang pressure, trolling casuals and pity Bannermen

May 23, 2025

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Missing The First Session
Grade: F

Due to prior commitments, I was unable to watch the first session of the second day of this Test, which I assumed at the time meant that I would miss out on Ollie Pope’s triple century and Ben Stokes’ 100* (23).

Instead, Pope was dismissed a couple of overs into the day, and Stokes stumbled around comically for just 9 (13), before the Curran advantage of Zimbabwe asserted itself once more, with this ‘Ben’ variant holding onto a catch at fine leg to dismiss the England skipper.

Infuriated at his team’s careless Curranlessness, Stokes closed the innings, but not before wicket-taker Blessing Muzarabani also had Harry Brook chopping on.

As the old saying goes: ‘a Curran a Test, is a Blessing at best’.

(At least, I think it’s an old saying.)

Rhyming Slang Pressure
Grade: B+

England debutant Sam Cook then took the new ball and showed what cricket analysts like to call ‘the Curran flip side’, as the Zimbabwe opener almost immediately edged one straight to Brook at slip.

Of course, given his international experience and his status as new white ball captain, Harry Brook deserves to be the current preferred rhyming slang for ‘look’ in this England side (eg ‘M’love, has Mr Tinkles returned through the basement time portal yet? I worry he’s got himself caught up in the French Revolution again’, ‘I don’t know, my dear, I’ll go have a Harry Brook’ - that kind of thing). But good to have Sam Cook there to put some pressure on. That’s how you build a hardened rhyming slang squad.

But the loss of Curran didn’t deter fellow Zimbabwe opener Brian Bennett. Instead, Bennett raced his way to a century off just 97 balls, forming the backbone of the visitors’ innings.

A superb knock from Bennett, who seems to me to be almost precisely the kind of batter you get when you eliminate scores of zero from Ben Duckett.