England v Zimbabwe One-Off Test, Day One Report Card
Featuring liking England, Currans, opening partnerships and defying the coach
Liking England
Grade: C
There are a lot of things I like about England (eg Douglas Adams, Monty Python, the way folks say ‘innit’ at the end of sentences). But easily my favourite thing about England (and I say this every year) is their kindness in offering those of us in Australia the magnificent gift of Test cricket during cold, winter evenings.
This year, that Test cricket begins with a one-off Test against mystery side Zimbabwe. (Mysterious primarily because neither England nor Australia had bothered playing them in a Test match for the past two decades. Definitely a strong go-to move, mysteriousness-wise.)
But that all changes… now! (Well, for England, anyway. I have no idea when Australia will deign to next play them. Let’s say, without a shred of evidence, next March. That’s a worthy goal to aim for, innit.)
Currans
Grade: B
Zimbabwe exploited the air of mystery that surrounded them by winning the toss and choosing to bowl. Also, by selecting a Curran!
Yes, in an exciting twist, it turns out that the wily Zimbabwe side had found their own Curran (‘Ben’, I believe) with which to exert Curran dominance over traditional Curran stronghold, England.
England, caught flatfooted by this manoeuvre, had to make do with having their Currans (’Sam’ and, uh, ‘Toucan’) sitting in the crowd. Frankly, not good enough. They’re no good to anybody up there. Sure, maybe Sky Sports will cut to them occasionally. But they’re far more likely to cut to an electric Curran charging around in the field.
(Yes, I’ve gone for the ‘electric Curran’ pun rather than anything to do with ‘out-of-control Zimbabwe Curran-cy inflation’. Frankly, the latter was too hard to make work this early in the England summer.)
Game on!
Opening Partnerships
Grade: B+
Despite being sent in to bat, England lost zero (0) wickets in the first session, with Ben Duckett and Zak Crawley offering almost no chances on their way to centuries.
Oh, sure. Crawley chipped one back in the general vicinity of Blessing Muzarabani early on. The kind of catch that, say, Matt Henry would have taken. But that was it.
Tanaka Chivanga’s plan, meanwhile, was to york one of these batters or die in the attempt. Or, as it turned out, ‘be driven for multiple boundaries in the attempt’. Which is probably a more measured alternative. It’s just a game, Tanaka.
Either way, with the openers looking untroubled, we had, not for the first time in recent weeks, the prospect of a lengthy Pope delay.
Defying The Coach
Grade: D
Shortly after lunch, Duckett brought up a run-a-ball century. This came about mere days after coach Brendon McCullum pleaded publicly with his England team to show more humility. Duckett’s defiance suggests Baz has completely lost the respect of his men. Sad to see. His days are clearly numbered.
It wasn’t just Duckett defying the coach, however. Crawley went on to make a ton, too. And when the white smoke of a Curran catch saw Duckett gone and Ollie Pope finally emerge, he scored an unbeaten hundred as well. Only Joe Root, 34 (44), had the common decency to follow coach’s orders. Good man. Proper cricketer. Proper, humble cricketer.
By stumps, England had reached 3/498, a quite staggering onslaught. Still, from a Zimbabwe perspective, they must remember there's no shame in being mauled by a free-scoring England. They are, after all, now the number two ranked Test side in the world.
No. What Zimbabwe now need to do is simply ask themselves what the number one ranked side would do in these circumstances.
(A: They would sit tight and hope rain washes out the last two days.)
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