England v Sri Lanka First Test Report Card, Day Three
Featuring biocular human beings and alert fielding
Biocular Human Beings
Grade: B-
England resumed on the third day with all eyes on Jamie Smith. Hideous thing to behold. A man covered in eyes? Imagine your optometrist bills. No, thank you.
Ha ha ha.
No, of course not. Jamie Smith is merely a normal biocular human being whose skin contains no excess sensory organs of any kind. At least, as far as we have been made aware. And, at some point, surely we need to trust the ECB on this matter rather than each of us individually insisting on a full body inspection of the man.
I mean, imagine the logistics of it. Jamie Smith in some kind of examination chamber with curious cricketing fans from all around the world being ushered in one at a time to check his skin for bonus eyes and ears and tongues. When would we even be able to do it? After stumps? Between Tests? During net sessions? Maybe we could optimise the exercise by sending in, say, four or five curious fans at a time, each of them checking individual body parts, but still, the entire process could take decades. And, ultimately, to what purpose?
No, best to let it go.
Still, my point is this: Jamie Smith scored a century, allegedly with the use of only two eyes, to help give England a considerable first innings lead.
Easily the best innings by a Smith that’s ever been seen on English soil. Certainly, I can’t think of any better.
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