Upset People
Grade: B-
After all the emotion and chaos surrounding Ben Stokesā retirement on day four, everybody suddenly woke up on day five, hung over and sleep-deprived, realising that, oh, wait, this Test is still going on.
And so it was. Heck, there was still even the comical prospect that Emilio Gay and Joe Root might bat through the day to secure a draw, and upset all the upset people.
You need upset people. Remember in the Ashes, how a certain subsection of fans kept shouting, in ever-increasing fury and frustration, āthis isnāt even a good Australian team!ā. That was one of my favourite bits.
And, sure, while there were disappointingly few England supporters railing against the substandard quality of the New Zealand side, there was still a lot of irritation about everything England was doing. Which is good, and right. But also funny to subvert just when theyāre at their most frustrated. Hence, my desire for Gay and Root to build a lengthy partnership.
Of course they didnāt even last as long as it took me to write those last two paragraphs. Within minutes of play resuming, Gay was caught behind and Root ran himself out. Still, a fun idea.
Sunsets
Grade: D
Jamie Smith then hung around until lunch, which everybody must have been furious about, so shortly afterwards, the inevitable was inevited. England all out for 212, with New Zealand taking the series 2-0, and Ben Stokes riding off into the sunset.
āItās 2pm,ā pointed out a helpful Will OāRourke.
āIām. Riding. Off. Into. The. Sunset.ā repeated Stokes, through gritted teeth. āNow whereās that fucken horse.ā
Cut to somewhere in the back of the Lordās media centre, where Ollie Pope and Zak Crawley were squabbling over who gets to be which half of the official ECB pantomime horse costume.
Stokesā exit, though, does raise the question of who will be Englandās next Test captain. After all, Joe Root hates the job. Harry Brook is too drunk. Douglas Jardine is dead.
Hereās an idea: Why donāt England simply endorse a meritocracy and for each match, name as captain the Player of the Match from their previous Test? And if thatās Daryl Mitchell, so be it.
