England v New Zealand, Third Test, Day One

Featuring decisions, Stuart Tall and spontaneous combustion

Decisions
Grade: B+

New Zealand’s win in the second Test had levelled the series. Faced with a decider, England’s decision was to find Ben Stokes and Gus Atkinson not guilty of post-midnight pub mischief and reintroduce them to the team. They were joined by Jamie Smith, who was found not guilty of being a sleep-deprived new father, and Shoaib Bashir, who was found not guilty of being an untrustworthy spinner. Would these decisions stand the test of time? Or even this Test of cricket? Only time, and cricket, would tell.

For their part, New Zealand decided to rest Kyle Jamieson on the basis of being ‘too gargantuan’. Glenn Phillips was discovered to have some kind of niggle - always a delightful discovery when relayed via a New Zealand accent - and it was decided that he, too, would miss out. Finally, somebody alerted the Black Caps to the fact that Matt Henry’s heroics in the previous match had seen him elevated to the status of number one Test bowler in the world.

“The best bowler in the world? That seems a bit unfair on England,” was their predictably thoughtful response, and they refused to play him too.

Stuart Tall
Grade: A

The other fun pre-match decision was made by whoever set up the pre-match discussion between the various Sky pundits. In what I can only assume was a loving tribute to Peter Jackson’s forced perspective trickery in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, they positioned Stuart Broad closest to the camera so that he comically towered over the other three halflings involved in the discussion.

Of course, this was semantically sloppy - he’s Stuart Broad, not Stuart Tall - but it was forgivable because of how very funny it looked. No wonder the Logies back in Australia have nominated him for a Best New Talent award. (This is not a joke.)

Perhaps showing off his newfound adoption of all things Australian, Broad was also the only one of the ruminating quartet taking the sunsafe option of wearing a hat. Which was surprising, because, according to the very rumination the quartet was undertaking, it was approximately ten zillion degrees under the blazing English sun.

Spontaneous Combustion
Grade: C

The heat of the day was why Tom Latham chose to bat first when given the option after an errant Stokes coin toss.

He also chose to put on a three hundred run opening partnership with Devon Conway. Yet another good decision from the New Zealand captain in this decider.

For his part, Stokes decided to bowl thirteen overs, every delivery offering the prospect that he might spontaneously combust. Indeed, of all the people on Earth, none looked more likely to involuntarily burst into flame today than Ben Stokes.

And why not? ‪According to my almanac, he’s due to injure himself sometime soon anyway. Might as well make it a spectacle.

Morpheus Off The Long Run

I went to bed with New Zealand zero wickets down, and was somewhat surprised when I woke up and this still wasn’t the case.

Here’s what I missed while I slept:

A grim day for England, that’s for sure
Only two wickets all day, and no more
Oh, but what’s that I see?
A late effort makes three
I guess that’s a little bett- oh, now it’s four!