England v New Zealand, Second Test, Day One

Featuring busy weeks and Morpheus off the long run

Busy Weeks
Grade: A

Thank goodness this match has finally started, because the drama between Tests had threatened to overwhelm.

First, there was the Lord’s pitch being officially rated as ‘shithouse’ by the ICC. Then Ben Stokes and Gus Atkinson were out past their bedtime in the aftermath of the first Test, and being in the vicinity of a punch by some rugby boofhead as an inevitable result. The duo were stood down from this Test match pending further investigation, with initial talk that Stokes might quit the game! Kane Williamson, nice guy that he is, then stepped up and retired on behalf of Stokes. Meanwhile, Ollie Robinson decided one Test was enough for him, thanks very much, Jamie Smith’s wife had a baby and Joe Root was reinstated as interim England captain because Harry Brook, the vice captain, was deemed ‘too ironic’ to take the reins, given his own off-field, late night biffo, curfew-instigating shenanigans six months ago.

So, yeah. More action in the week between Tests than most five-match series.

All the changes to the England team as a result of this mad week meant that Root went into this match with more Tests than the rest of the eleven combined. A stunning stat.

I mean, combined?! Like Voltron?! How many Tests have the rest of the eleven played as one lumbering, many-limbed cricketing gestalt? Is this even allowed under the Laws of the game? Fucken Bazball, man.

Morpheus Off The Long Run

This match was scheduled to be part of the Great Multi-Match Watch of 8pm AEST, June 17™, but somebody had the bright idea to delay it half an hour for a wet outfield or something. Genuinely appreciated.

Also appreciated? The mostly mellow pace at which it was played. A lovely sedate Test match that allowed me to glance over from other screens once or twice to see a surprise wicket, before finally letting it claim a hundred percent of my attention after all the other contests finished. Alas, this was also about fifteen minutes before the teams went to lunch and I went to bed.

Here’s what I missed while I slept:

An unremarkable day, with very few ‘funnies’
Compared to curfews, newborns and bung knees
But also Bethell claimed two
Bowling his unique brand of poo
And Glenn Phillips faced Jofra in sunnies