England v New Zealand, First Test, Day One

Featuring focusing too much on the Ashes, keeping God busy and Morpheus off the long run

Focusing Too Much On The Ashes
Grade: A

Well, well, well. Another England summer dawns, and with it, Test cricket. Blessed Test cricket. Oh, sure. We got a bit of Bangladesh-Pakistan a couple of weeks ago, which was great, albeit a tad more YouTubey than I’d like. And then an Ireland-New Zealand Test last week that was effectively invisible. Now, though, it’s England-New Zealand.

A massive opportunity for England fans to put the Ashes behind them and, uh, prepare for the next Ashes. (Easily my favourite piece of day one coverage was during the inevitable Lord’s rain delay. That’s when a (non-Ashes) Test break allowed (England) commentators to spend a considerable amount of time focusing (perhaps too much?) on the question of ‘whether England focus too much on the Ashes’. Great stuff. Great, non-self aware stuff.)

What England had learned from the previous Ashes was simple. Namely, that it was all Zak Crawley’s fault. And so he’d been axed, and the following conversation took place:

Stokes: We need something new for Bazball 3.0!
New Head of Selectors For Some Reason Marcus North: (hurt) Like what?
Stokes: eg, an opener to replace Zak
North: (muttering to self) E.G., an opener to replace Zak, eh?

And so North, a very literal minded man, had immediately scurried off to select Emilio Gay at the top of the order.

Keeping God Busy
Grade: C

New Zealand won the toss and chose to bowl on an overcast morning. There was a brief package highlighting Lord’s 150th Test and all the great moments from the prior 149. Sadly, they failed to include the Great Members Tantrum™ of 2023. Maybe they’re saving that for the 200th Test. After that, the national anthems, which reminded us once again how tough God has it, having to both defend New Zealand and save England’s king. Still, important to keep yourself busy.

But then it was time to play. England survived the first over, which just proved how badly New Zealand were missing Mitchell Starc. Gay didn’t last much longer, though, out for just eight, having made the philosophically fascinating choice to have a Test career in which his runs are only ever scored in boundaries.

And then, the previously mentioned rain came. A little bit early for my liking - if it had held off another half hour or so, it would have segued perfectly into the Pakistan-Australia ODI. No matter. We make it work.

Keeping God Busy
Grade: C

Once the Lord’s rain was done, and the first several overs of the ODI were viewed, the Test resumed with Jacob Bethell raising the finger to Ben Duckett, refusing to let him review an LBW decision that seemed, to the naked eye at least, to be slightly suspect. A less saucily erotic eye in the form of ball-tracking software, however, confirmed that Bethell had made the right call. Proper cricket. This is why we love DRS. Great stuff from the young man, pinging off his more senior partner. Big future in the game.

Oh, sure Bethell was also out LBW shortly after. But that wasn’t the point. For on a sideways-moving and/or up-and-down pitch, New Zealand’s multi-dimensional all-seam attack were always going to relentlessly work through the England batting. Why, they didn’t even need to call on their worst bowler in the team to dismiss Jamie Smith, as Australia so shamefully resorted to doing during the [REDACTED].

With everybody else collapsing around him, this was a perfect opportunity for Harry Brook to peel off one of his brilliantly brainless 80-ball centuries. And he seemed well on the path to doing so as Dame Long Blinks worked her infernal magic on me.

Morpheus Off The Long Run

In the end, Brook fell for a 71-ball 56 (but who among us doubts his ability to score 44 more runs off nine balls?), as England were bowled out for 140. Pretty terrible and funny, you might think. But then you notice that New Zealand were 6/61 at stumps. So there’s that.

Here’s what else I missed while I slept.

A fine return from Robinson, Ollie
First over. Three wickets. Good golly!
His [REDACTED] absence
Now makes less and less sense
Yet further Bazballian folly.