England v India Third Test, Day Two Report Card

Featuring Dukes balls, Mohammed Siraj's exasperation and Morpheus off the long run

Dukes Balls
Grade: C+

This thrilling series between the umpires’ Rings of Spherical Purity™ and the Dukes cricket ball peaked early on the second day of this Test.

The umpires, ably assisted by incessant (and occasionally illogical) prodding from the India team, allowed the Rings to dominate early, sending ball after ball back into the pavilion, before the leather staged a stirring comeback as the session wore on.

Oh, sure, there was the occasional interruption from the tiresome figure of Jasprit Bumrah, tearing through Ben Stokes, Joe Root and Chris Woakes’ defences in the space of seven balls, but it was important not to get too distracted by such unimportant ephemera. Test cricket, at its best, is all about monitoring whether the ball has gone out of shape or not, and this contest has had more out of shape Dukes than an aristocratic fat camp.

Out of shape Dukes

Is there anything that can prevent these balls from requiring changing every handful of overs? Perhaps. Why not, for example, simply distort the spatial geometry of Lord’s itself so that the ball, relatively speaking, became spherical again? And if that means losing the slope, so be it.

Alternatively, when the Rings of Spherical Purity™ require a ball be changed, why not have the fourth umpire bring out a box of balls that aren’t absolute dogshit?

Plenty of options.

Mohammed Siraj’s Exasperation
Grade: A