England v India Fourth Test, Day One Report Card

Featuring over rate chat, not being nice and Morpheus off the long run

Over Rate Chat
Grade: D+

Whenever there’s a big gap between Tests in a longer series, that’s an opportunity for some excellent off-pitch nonsense. And that’s exactly what England mustered after their thrilling victory in the third Test.

First, there was a lot of over rate chat after it was decided that, following the glacial speed of the previous Test, a grand tally of two (2) World Test Championship points would be deducted for slow over rates. Moreover, based on the detailed breakdown of when and where the dillying was most dallied, those two points would be split in such a way that England would lose two (2) of those points, whereas India would lose zero (0).

The usual complaints about India running the green and getting the rub of the game immediately ensued. Sure, one could look at the playing conditions and the rules surrounding how over rates are calculated, but that’s rather a nerdy thing to do, isn’t it? Can’t we just get by on vibes and the fact Shubman Gill traded in a massage voucher at one point?

England then pivoted to pointing out that it’s harder to stick to the over rates when you’re mostly using seam bowlers, and that maybe the calculations for World Test Championship point deductions should be adjusted to reflect this fact. This, of course, is also the same England team who spent most of the last tournament going ‘D-uh’ and scratching their heads like Moose from the Archie comics, as they complained about how incredibly complicated the points system was.

But, as fun and ridiculous as all this off-field over rate chat from England was, they once again proved their mettle on the field, as you’d expect, fighting poor over rates by having Harry Brook lead the slips cordon in races from one end of the pitch to the other at the end of each over.

They’re a genuinely mad team, but they can also be a genuinely funny one.

Not Being Nice
Grade: D+

Sadly, however, they are now no longer a nice team. This was also explained to us by Brook in another piece of superb off-field media nonsense leading up to the fourth Test. Referring to the now-infamous ‘niggle’ between the England openers and India when the former showed up late, feigned show-stopping injury, then bolted out of there the instant proceedings concluded, like the worst kind of wedding guests, Brook announced it was ‘fun’ not to be nice guys any more.

I am a massive fan of England claiming they're ‘no longer being nice’. Especially since their first act of not being nice seems to be that they’ve stolen the mantle of ‘the nice team’ from New Zealand. Very not nice, indeed!

What mischief, then, would the newly horrid England team get up to during this Test? Would Ben Stokes steal the coin during the toss? Would mid-on falsely accuse the non-striker of farting? Would the cordon stick a ‘BOWL ME’ sign on an unsuspecting batter’s back?

Alas, none of this. Instead, after winning the toss and bowling first, they didn’t even take a wicket in the first session. Amateurs.

Sad times for not nice cricket, especially with the Australians also veering away from it under the smiling and handsome leadership of Pat Cummins. Let’s hope this nastiness void can be filled by some other nation. Maybe this is a way for Ireland to make their name? A bunch of Irish dickheads playing Test cricket? I’d watch it.

Morpheus Off The Long Run

With England barely taking wickets, and not even being knobs while failing to do so, I started to drift off to sleep.

Here’s what I missed, in limerick form:

Steady, genial run-scoring left me slightly disgusted
I was promised dickheadery, not folks well-adjusted
Would Pant liven the day?
No. At least, not in the right way,
A misplaced reverse rendering his foot utterly busted