England v India Fourth Test, Day Four Report Card

Featuring copying Steve Waugh, KL Rahul Dravid and VVS Shubman Gill, and DIY Morpheus off the long run

Copying Steve Waugh
Grade: D-

Steve Waugh’s Test side was one of the greatest in the history of cricket. In terms of winning matches, they had a very simple formula which, more often than not, worked. The formula was this:

p = F/A,

where:

• p is the pressure

• F is the force being applied

• A is the area of the surface being contacted

Now, admittedly, they stole this formula from a Physics textbook Mark Waugh found at a garage sale, but it still worked like crazy.

The force applied by this great Australian side was the force of first innings runs. Just scoring thousands more runs than their opponents to take a massive lead. Easy as. We’ve got one of the best lineups of batters ever assembled. Let’s just have them score way too many runs.

The area over which this force was applied was the opposition’s second innings, often on the fourth or fifth day, with Shane Warne spinning relentlessly from one end, and primarily Glenn McGrath running in from the other, with occasional support from Jason Gillespie or Brett Lee or sometimes Andy Bichel (!). It didn’t really matter from whom the support came. Half the attack was half of Australia’s all-time attack. That was plenty.

And, of course, the formula in question led to quite absurd amounts of scoreboard pressure, the magnitude of which was too large for almost any team to resist.

It was all tremendously effective, and they won loads and loads of Test matches by enormous margins, where the result was never in doubt, and we simply just waited patiently over the last few days for their dominance to translate to the inescapable victory.

But, and this is key, they weren’t very funny while doing it. So we, correctly, look back on this great cricket side with contempt and disdain.

Which was why it was so disappointing to see Ben Stokes’ England team - the masters of bizarre nonsense cricket that quite often still results in victories and, even when it doesn’t, entertains the living daylights out of us with hilarious defeats - resorting to the same formula.

Yes, we’re piling on 669 runs. Yes, that’s a lead of more than 300 on the first innings. Yes, Stokes will score a century to go with his five wicket haul. Yes, India will come straight out and lose their first two wickets in the opening over, without a run on the board.

Yawn. We’ve seen all this before. Maybe you think it’s a compliment to be compared - at least for this one Test - to such an all-conquering side, Ben. But it’s not. Be funnier! Do more silly things! It’s the 21st century, baby!

KL Rahul Dravid and VVS Shubman Gill
Grade: B