England v India Fourth Test, Day Five Report Card

Featuring mutant healing powers, Brydon Carse's sleeve and farcical conclusions

Mutant Healing Powers
Grade: C+

The hopes of KL Rahul Dravid and VVS Shubman Gill batting out the entirety of the final day of this Test were ended early, when Ben Stokes managed to inflict on KL Rahul a magnificent walking LBW. (The ‘KL’ stands for ‘kept low’.)

Stokes’ celebration for the wicket was fittingly exuberant. So much so that the England captain was in grave danger of injuring himself in the process. Having said that, he’s also in grave danger of injuring himself while walking back to the top of his mark. Let the man have his moment.

The Stokes Injury of the Day™ for this fifth day was some kind of shoulder tweak. Great to see him mixing it up from the usual hamstring/calf/groin pain he’s fallen back on in recent times. Instead, he winced in pain after each delivery, rubbing and squeezing at his shoulder, yet powering through the pain.

A testimony to his Wolverine-like mutant healing power? Let’s say it is. Cricket fans like to talk about Stokes having an ‘x-factor’. What they tend to ignore, however, is that he also apparently has an ‘X-men-factor’.

Brydon Carse’s Sleeve
Grade: D

Replacing KL Rahul was Washington Sundar, who arrived at the crease before Ravindra Jadeja. Confusion reigned. It was too early for any nightwatching. But what was he? A Pantwatcher? An oldballwatcher? A newballwatcher? A numberfivewatcher?

Turned out, he was just there to be utterly immovable for the rest of the day. Because suddenly the England attack became completely ineffective. Oh, sure. Jofra Archer popped up for a moment to get rid of Gill. But once Jadeja joined Sundar and Joe Root dropped him in the slips first ball, it was an almost predictable march for the pair to stumps.

Perhaps the biggest threat for India’s batters was Brydon Carse’s relentless and colourful arm tattoos, which surely must be distracting when facing up. Can the batters ask for him to bowl with the other arm? Or, if they’re not allowed to do this, should he specifically put some tattoos of cricket balls on his bowling arm to be even more distracting?

Lots of things to consider. Let’s hope the ICC is working on this important problem.

Farcical Conclusions
Grade: A-

Sadly, however, the match ended in what the English media grimly informed us was ‘farce’, when India selfishly refused to do what England wanted (ie, stop batting because we’re really very tired now).