England v India Fifth Test, Day Three Report Card

Featuring mogwai lore, untimely cramp, common decency and DIY Morpheus off the long run

Mogwai Lore
Grade: A-

Nightwatchie¹ Akash Deep resumed on the third morning on 4, and immediately started walloping the England bowlers over the place, thrilling onlookers of all but the most partisan British stripe. (FUN FACT: The most partisan British Stripe in recorded history was the lead antagonist in Gremlins, who, infamously, after being fed after midnight one time, responded by voting for Brexit, grumbling about the decline of the Empire, and settling in on his recliner to watch an Only Fools and Horses marathon.)

Apart from that one ill-tempered caricature of an English puppet villain, however, everybody else enjoyed every single shot of Akash Deep’s imminent double century, the home attack seemingly having no answers for his onslaught. Or, at least, no correct answers. Jamie Overton, for example, scrawled in the margins of Deep’s innings ‘maybe if I just bowl dross on the side of the pitch my captain hasn’t defended?’, a guess that was met with a flurry of red pen.

Should Ollie Pope have countered Deep’s knock in the same way that Ben Stokes would have? Namely, by furiously bringing himself on to bowl and dismissing him? Then, after that, continuing to bowl for far too many overs, despite the fact that every part of your body is starting to disintegrate like a Mogwai in direct sunlight?

Yes.

But he didn’t, and so Deep brought up a glorious and mad half century, batting almost through the entire first session. Deeply satisfying.

Untimely Cramp
Grade: C

But also Deeply troubling, too. Because what Deep had done with his brilliant and hilarious innings was put way too much pressure on the rest of the India batting.

‘If Akash can score so freely,’ they must have been thinking. ‘What are we expected to do?’

Awful nightwatching.