Australian Survivor Report Card - Australia v The World - Episode 6
Featuring being upfront, frenemy sitches, literal beams, not knowing Lisa and Ralph Wiggum
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PREVIOUSLY ON AUSTRALIAN SURVIVOR: A new alliance was born, immunity rocks were drawn and Sarah’s day failed to dawn
Being Upfront
Grade: D
The players return to camp after the Sarah blindside with Luke, in particular, devastated that the Australian tribe has split at the first vote. How devastated? So devastated that he refuses to even call it ‘devoed’. Australia is dead to him.
He confronts Kirby.
“You should have told me you were voting for Sarah!” he says.
“I absolutely, one hundred percent, told you,” is Kirby’s response.
Luke is taken aback at this reminder. “Yeah, but how was I supposed to know you meant it?”
But there’s no more time for Luke’s frustration with Kirby being completely upfront with him. She has to head off to bond with Parvati. Which she successfully does, the two of them flirting outrageously back and forth as they form an unbreakable* bond.
The key to that bond? I reckon it’s their teeth. They both have great teeth. That’s as solid an alliance foundation as anything else, surely.
(Disclaimer: I am not a dentist.)
Frenemy Sitches
Grade: B
But this bold new alliance of Parvati, Cirie, Kirby and Shonee aren’t going to have everything their own way. For one thing, it hasn’t even been given a catchy nickname yet. (Shonee, for example, is pitching ‘The Real Housewives of Tribal Council’, while Cirie prefers ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling (Immunity Idol Hidden In Your) Pants’. Tough decisions ahead.)
For another, though, they’re just four in a tribe of nine.
And yes, Tommi has taken this episode off, having built a little hideout out of leftover tie-break rocks, in which he’s having a snooze. But the other four are hard at work, trying their best to break up the Girls Just Wanna Have Fun(damental Control of the Game) Alliance.
Janine therefore takes Parvati aside to bond with her, asking if she (Parv) and Kass (Kass) are ‘tight’. “It’s more of a ‘frenemy sitch’,” clarifies Parv.
What a player she is! Imagine being able to use the phrase ‘frenemy sitch’ and not have people laugh in your face. Incredible.
Literal Beams
Grade: C
Time for the challenge, a classic game of Hold Them Beams!
JLP explains the rules. “See those beams?” he says. “You have to hold them.”
“Like, physical beams?” says Parv. “I thought you meant like a beaming smile.” She flashes one. “I mean, I could hold this all day,” she adds, between her high-quality teeth. (Disclaimer: I am not a dentist.)
And like the world’s most amazing and duplicitous wedding photo shoot, they all start beaming at JLP, holding their smiles until it becomes painful.
“No, no, no!” says JLP. “We’re using the physical beams. These cost a fortune to make. Jet fuel couldn’t melt these steel beams.”
Everybody looks around nervously.
“Also,” continues JLP. “In addition to immunity, you’re playing for a scroll.”
“We’re playing for a Skrull??” says Tommi, emerging from the bushes, excited. He friggin’ loved the Captain Marvel movie. And, to a substantially lesser degree, its forgotten sequel, The Marvels.
“Scroll, scroll,” clarifies JLP.
Tommi, visibly disappointed, disappears back to his rock-drawn hideout. Inevitably, the challenge comes down to a showdown between Parvati and Kass.
“Will Kass invoke the deal to make Parvati drop out?” wonders JLP aloud.
“No deal!” says Kass, who was frustratedly watching earlier as Deal or No Deal ran overtime, delaying the start of this episode. And she makes the idiotic ‘no deal’ gesture, but still somehow holds the beams up, thereby winning immunity and the Skrull, which she’s not allowed to open until next episode.
Not Knowing Lisa
Grade: F
Everybody heads back to camp to start the scheming. It is becoming increasingly impossible to work out who is lying to whom even as a viewer. How the players have a chance is utterly beyond me.
Unfortunately, the still-yet-to-be-officially-branded Cirie-Kirby-Parvati-Shonee alliance has suddenly gone a bit Coven-y.
Despite Kirby and Parvati doing pinkie swears that they’re besties for life, will never betray one another, definitely going to the end together, swear on my dead grandmother, take it to the bank, no foolin’, Cirie is less certain.
Why is Cirie dubious? Because Janine has taken her aside to inform her that Kirby is a threat.
“Gee, no shit,” says Cirie.
Luke, meanwhile, is on a world tour, picking up the non-USA players from the other side: Tommi from Finland, Kass from Quebec and ‘the other person’ from ‘wherever she lives’. So, perhaps not the greatest social game from Luke so far.
Still, Lisa (from New Zealand), is technically a target. So Luke pitches that Cirie should also be a target. Cirie, meanwhile, is off proposing that Kirby should be a target, while Kirby is telling Parvati that if she (Kirby) is a target, it’d be really super if her number one ally would play an idol on her.
It’s great Survivor, obviously. Although, greedy soul that I am, I still very much wish George and Tony were part of this mess, as well. Let’s just pretend Tony’s up in a tree somewhere, listening in.
Ralph Wiggum
Grade: F
Finally, it’s time for Tribal Council, and, after some probing from JLP, Cirie admits the unsavoury truth: Some of these players might be telling fibs.
She goes on to add that it’s very difficult to know if you’re being ‘flimflammed, bamboozled or hoodwinked’. And, can I just put in my vote for a Flimflammers vs Bamboozlers vs Hoodwinkers season, please.
Anyway, it turns out that Kirby’s the one being flimflammed, bamboozled and hoodwinked, her little heart going all Ralph Wiggum as she realises that Parv has betrayed her and sent her packing. She heads off to Jury Villa, and cranks Alanis Morissette up real loud, like.
Even sadder than that, we are now in the second half of this season. But, as sceptical as I might have been about this sixteen day season, this is undeniably amazing Survivor. Let’s do this every year. Get Tyson, Sandra, Rob, Kim, Rob, Yul, random Swedish winner, whoever! Let’s go!
Dan vs The World
Okay. At the end of the previous episode, I suggested that Kirby was the eighth most likely person to be next voted out of the game (out of nine!), but Rest of the World representative Laura, from the Previously on Australian Survivor podcast, suggested she was the ninth most likely (or least likely, as the kids say)!
A shambolic effort from both of us, but after triple-checking Laura’s DM to make sure I didn’t have her list around the wrong way, I’m claiming the points and my lead over The World team therefore moves to 3-1.
Here are my rankings for who I think is most likely to be voted out in the next episode from most likely to least likely.
Kass (if she loses immunity she’s got to be a target, and Parv can steal her idol)
Tommi
Luke
Shonee
Lisa
Cirie
Janine
Parvati
Next up to represent the world against me is Taryn, from BlueSky. Come join us over on BlueSky! Quick, the season’s almost done!
Here’s Taryn’s prediction for who will go next, from most likely to least
Tommi
Luke
Janine
Shonee
Lisa
Kass
Cirie
Parvati
Can Taryn drag the World Team back into the contest as the final week begins? Let’s see.
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