Australia v India First ODI Report Card

Featuring Perth rain, avoiding the Ashes, being annoyed by DLS and worrying moustaches

Perth Rain
Grade: F

The boys are, as they seem prone to be, back in town. Where the ‘boys’ in question are the Australia and India men’s cricket team. And ‘town’ is Optus Stadium in Perth.

Yes, it’s the start of the BKT Tyres ODI Series! A beloved coffer-lining event on the international calendar which, as per tradition, starts in Western Australia. Which, for reasons known only to itself, decided to rain for the first time in its history.

Nobody was quite sure what was going on the first time the Perth rain started to fall. Umpires looked at one another, bemused, while the ground staff scrabbled around in the shed for the covers. Eventually, they ducked off for about ten minutes to consult ChatGPT on what was happening (‘Great question! I love that you’re interested in rain and what causes it! This shows real critical thinking! Let me break this down into digestible sections…’) and somehow lost an over in the process.

Then they came back, bowled a couple of overs and went off again. And then again. And then again.

Throughout these various delays, it remained unclear what, exactly, Perth was trying to prove with this childish weather. But just as cricket fans around the world - frustrated by the delays not just in Perth, but in Sri Lanka and New Zealand in recent days - began organising a ‘No soakings’ march, somebody at Cricket Australia revealed the truth.

Perth’s inclement weather was simply preparation for the ultimate goal of washing out the Ashes Test that Pat Cummins can’t play. Now, that’s forward planning.

Avoiding The Ashes
Grade: D-

But it’s not all about the Ashes. Instead, it’s about last year’s Border-Gavaskar Trophy. For, after pre-recorded footage of Mitch Marsh winning the toss and opting to chase, Virat Kohli and Rohit Sharma were both cheaply dismissed by Josh Hazlewood and Mitchell Starc respectively.

Oh, sure. Rohit had the good sense to get off strike when facing Starc in the first over. This is analyst-optimised batting. Unfortunately for the former captain, the current captain Shubman Gill had the same idea, and plonked him back on strike. Still, when Rohit survived Starc’s first over, the Suryakumar Yadav must have seemed the limit. Only for Hazlewood to rock up with an annoyingly vicious spell.

Annoying, because I was quite enjoying all the optimistic England Ashes prognostication that took as its starting premise that Australia’s attack was composed entirely of creaking geriatrics who would be effortlessly eviscerated by the scything blades of Team England’s dashing top order. The last thing we needed was Hazlewood reminding them of what kind of menace he could be. (Luckily, they’re probably not watching. So, shhhh… nobody tell them.)

Hmmmm… turns out that maybe this match was about the Ashes, after all. As, indeed, everything is.

By the way, buy my new book, The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments.

Being Annoyed By DLS
Grade: B

Anyway, after the veterans were out, the Perth rain started doing its thing. Or, indeed, not, given that Perth rain is traditionally specifically not a thing.

After a myriad of disruptions and over reductions from 50 to 49 to 35 to 26 overs, Mike Hussey on commentary began complaining how it was unfair to India that their total would be so low, given that they hadn’t been aware when the innings started that it would be truncated in such drastic fashion.

Perhaps he’d forgotten that DLS is specifically designed in such a way that it would adjust India’s total to take into account the fact they didn’t know how many overs they’d face when they started. In which case, fair enough. He’s Mr Cricket, not Mr Rain Delay.

Worrying Moustaches
Grade: D

Still, as it turned out, DLS didn’t help India much anyway. Mostly because it also takes into account all the wickets they lost early. This meant India’s eventual tally of 9/136 was downgraded to a target of 131 from 26 overs for the Australians.

Sure, there were complaints from certain fans who would like more ‘vibe’ in their algorithms. And fair enough, too. Anything to make a match of it. But given the stubborn intractability of mathematics, perhaps a better way to have massaged the match into something more interesting would have been to argue that since this game was now closer to a T20 than an ODI, India should have been allowed to sub in from their T20 squad one (1) bowler (named Jasprit).

Without Bumrah’s insertion, however, this was a walk in the park. Or, indeed, a walk around the Optus Stadium. Even with Travis Head slicing an early chance to Harshit Rana in the deep, Marsh hung around in the middle as he’s recently made an unseemly habit of doing, and guided Australia comfortably home alongside a worryingly moustached Matt Renshaw.

Meanwhile, over in the Women’s World Cup, the India women were also stumbling, eventually falling to England and putting a semi-final berth in jeopardy.

To summarise: A disappointing day for a proud nation in both Indore (which could have cost a berth) and Perth (which should have been played indoors).

The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments