Australia v England Fifth Test, Day Fifth Report Card
Featuring microcosms, cheating Australians and weird chases
Microcosms
Grade: D
The fifth day began with England extending their lead in this Test to 159, and Mitchell Starc his lead in the top wicket-takers for the series to nine, as he took the final two wickets to fall.
Still, that mere nine-wicket lead did open the door for Brydon Carse to finish with the most wickets in the series. Could the lionhearted fast bowler who never stops running in for his lionhearted captain - here lionheartedly immobile at first slip because of a liongroined injury - blast through the entire Australian lineup to snatch the title away from Starc?
No. Of course not. But not for lack of trying.
Because there was, as always, some DRS mischief to get on with. First, it was Travis Head, clipping one away to fine leg for four, only for the onfield umpire to declare it leg byes. This, in turn, convinced Carse to convince Stokes to review for LBW. Which, in turn, convinced the third umpire to rule it not out and return the runs to Head.
A delivery that was the series in microcosm. England getting it wrong, the third umpire doubling down on those England errors, and Travis Head scoring more boundaries at the top of the order than expected.
Cheating Australians
Grade: B+
Just to make sure of where we all stood, however, there was another fun bit of DRS nonsense shortly after, when a tentative but hopeful England sent upstairs a caught behind decision off Jake Weatherald. The third umpire looked at what was universally described as a ‘murmur’, decided it wasn’t spiky enough to be given out and therefore gave it not out.
This, in turn, produced a veritable shit-ton of spikiness in Carse, and remonstration with the onfield umpire that very much lifted beyond the murmuring level. Luckily, the cool head of Ben Stokes (!) prevailed, ushering his enraged quick away before he could punch say something he’d really regret, before adopting a more captainly form of remonstration that, as always, led to the decision not being altered in any way.
And, look, England had a point. Snicko has tormented the visitors throughout the series. I’d rank Head, Starc and Alex Carey above it as tormentors, yes, but I’d probably slot it somewhere alongside Scott Boland on that next tier below. The borderline 50-50 decisions throughout the series have gone disproportionately against Ben Stokes’ men. On the other hand, sometimes that’s what happens with 50-50 decisions. Why, I’ve seen teams win 80% of literal coin tosses in a series, if you can imagine such a thing.
Still, this was no time for basic probability theory. There were Barmy Army songs about Aussies ‘always cheating’ to be sung. And, again, to be fair, I’m sure the idea of conflating decisions from neutral umpires that go against England onto the men in baggy green’s historical reputation for stretching the rules was once a pretty decent gag.
At least, I assume it was. I can see - structurally speaking - how it might have been. We’ll consult the records.
Speaking of running gags that may or may not work: After the third umpire gave Weatherald not out, why didn’t the onfield umpire then comically signal leg byes? It’s the last day of the series, Ahsan Raza. Lean into the nonsense.
Weird Chases
Grade: A
You know who else seemed very aware it was the last day of the series? Every Australian batter, that’s who.
As Pat Cummins chipped in with commentary (Cumminstary? Cummotary? Pat Chat?) from the Fox Cricket box, Head became bored with batting about 120 runs earlier than usual and was caught in the outfield, slogging. Weatherald then decided he couldn’t be bothered lowering his bat and was somehow caught in the outfield, leaving.
Steve Smith was bowled through the gate by the sharp turn of Will Jacks (!). Usman Khawaja showed up to wave to the crowd for a while. Marnus Labuschagne ran himself out and then tried to leave the middle by melding himself into the pitch. Carey and Cameron Green got a taste of the run out fun and started sprinting to the same end a lot but never quite managed to bring it all together.
A very weird run chase. Why, first innings opening bowler Matthew Potts wasn’t even entrusted to bowl at all this time around. A bit sad. Why not give him the opportunity to break the Gilbert Jessop record with the ball? A last sign, perhaps, that Bazball was truly, finally, irrevocably dead.
Were Australia ever in actual trouble in this mad chase of 160? No, not really, due to the fact they’d selected approximately 30-50 batters in their eleven. But they had a lot of fun. And that’s the important thing.
Carey, somewhat inevitably, finished England off. And, sensibly, chose not to complete a third run before the match-winning shot hit the rope, thereby earning himself an extra career run. Professional as ever from the Australian keeper.
Australia win the series 4-1. England lose the series by the exact reverse scoreline. And that’s the 2025/26 Ashes.