Australia v England Fifth Test, Day One Report Card

Featuring Spin City, The Office (Australia), the darkest city in the world and Pokemonesque evolution

Spin City
Grade: C+

Spin City was a 90s sitcom that starred Brad from Rocky Horror Picture Show as the mayor of New York City getting into wacky adventures alongside his political team, which included Marty McFly, Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and a myriad of other staffers, each with their own hilarious quirks and/or potential for romantic miscommunication that could fuel the plot mechanics of 23 minutes of weekly hilarity.

Spin City last aired in Australia in 2002. But even if it was still on, it wouldn’t be. Throw those DVDs in the bin - particularly the Charlie Sheen seasons. Because there’s no more spin in Australia. It’s now officially a spinless nation, with the selectors once again omitting the sole spinner in the squad, Todd Murphy, from the starting XI. England were no better, continuing with Will Jacks ahead of Barmy Army top dollar tourist Shoaib Bashir.

A lot of journalists and/or fans are upset by this turn of events. Not me. I’m glad there’s been so little spin in the Ashes. Disgusting, filthy tricksters, every last one of them, always trying to deceive good, decent, hard-working batters by the cowardly act of putting revolutions on the ball. Wipe them out. All of them.

The Office (Australia)
Grade: D

The pre-series ceremony began with Stuart Broad and David Warner carrying the crystalline mega-urn to the middle together (David somehow accidentally trapped LBW in the process) before representatives of the Bondi first responders were given a guard of honour and a standing ovation that I suspect would have lasted the rest of the allotted day’s play had Cricket Australia permitted it. Definitely one way to stretch these Tests into a third day, and something the administrators should investigate.

Anthems followed, with Australia shamefully stealing some of England’s material, positioning Jake Weatherald in between Beau Webster and Cameron Green for comical height difference effect. Come on lads, get your own bits. Ben Duckett owns this gag - we don’t need to The Office (Australia) this.

Also, unwelcome? John Howard in the Fox Cricket commentary box. He popped in during the Harry Brook-Joe Root partnership. Not even sure he was invited, as the folks doing the call (let’s say: Howie, Junior and Gilly) seemed as startled as the rest of us at this blathering old man in the back of the box suddenly shouting his tumbleweed thoughts over the top of them. Why couldn’t we have American troops come in and whisk the former PM away?

The Darkest City in the World
Grade: D+

Oh, and in between all of this was some cricket. Not as much as we’d like, because the match was being played in Sydney. Obviously, then, they went off halfway through the allotted overs, because it was too dark? Another clever way to stretch a Test into a third day, and that’s for sure. Play it in The Darkest City in the World™, which is apparently Sydney’s new title. (It also then rained - again, obviously.)

But before the darkness descended like a Mordor backlot, Australia took three early wickets, before a disappointingly sensible partnership between Harry Brook and Joe Root saw England to 3/211. Oh, sure, Brook was a few times on the brink of doing something very stupid indeed, as you’d expect. But he never quite got there. And then the Sydney sun was extinguished and we all had to wait five hours until the Big Bash started.

Crazy stuff. We should have played the Big Bash games during the Sydney shadow realms delay, and come back to the Test later in the evening, once the Night King had been vanquished. It’s the Pink Test, let Starc bowl with a pink ball, ffs. It might be the only chance Australia have of breaking this partnership.

Pokemonesque Evolution
Grade: B+

Still, the Root-Brook partnership - England’s best of the series - did allow me to gather a new pundit. Remember earlier in the series when my favourite genre of England cricket pundit was the one that kept repeating ‘this is not a strong Australian team’ in ever-increasing frustration?

There’s now been a Pokemonesque evolution of that pundit. This one is also deeply frustrated and keeps saying things like ‘See? This is what I’m talking about. We were a genuine chance of winning this series and threw it away. With almost the entirety of Australia’s first choice attack missing and half their batters out of form, all we needed to do was have our batters operate at the peak of their abilities, and our bowlers not succumb to the chronic injuries that have plagued them through literally their entire careers and instead find their best form and we were very much in with a chance of possibly competing in this series. A missed opportunity.’

I like that pundit too. They amuse me.

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