Topics covers in this jam-packed episode include:

• The Australian men ticking their boxes

• The 2027 World Cup

• The Hundred

• Two Truths and a Lie - Sir Garfield Sobers novel edition

• Plus, another thrilling Muller Award!

But what disappoints me is the lack of coverage of Sobers’ literary contributions to the sport.

Namely, his 1967 novel, Bonaventure and the Flashing Blade, a ‘novel about cricket’ that, despite its introduction that proclaims that it is merely ‘a fiction adventure story created for interest and entertainment and not a biography nor a prophecy of how cricket of the future might be played’, still manages to presage the CricViz-style power of data analysis on the game (this is not a joke).

The premise of the story is a simple one: the magnificently named Clyde St Joseph Bonaventure, a young friend of Sobers, is a genius in the new-fangled world of computers. Alas, he has shamefully little interest in cricket. On the plus side, however, the mysterious and wealthy Star Computer Company wants to train Clyde in ‘secret processes’ at their ‘Midlands research headquarters’. A grand future awaits this young whiz!

Well, you wouldn’t believe it, but it turns out that Star Computers also sponsors cricket, like some kind of Indian cement company, so Clyde swiftly whips up an algorithm that cracks the entire game. Soon, he’s playing matches, using the hacks his ‘programme’ (sic) has uncovered to effortlessly score double centuries and take shitloads of wickets. But having proved the power of computers via his cricketing prowess, he is now suddenly in danger from spies working for ‘foreign powers’. Because, this is 1967, remember?

Clyde effortlessly escapes from the intended kidnapping (a detail helpfully revealed in the blurb, presumably so we don’t have to worry too much for him), setting up a thrilling climax in which Clyde’s Bonaventurers take on an All-Comers Eleven captained by Sobers himself!

Great stuff! Something for the IPL to consider, that’s for sure.

Of course, Sobers being Sobers, it’s not enough for him to simply master the art of plotting an action adventure novel. He must also master the style of writing.

Too many modern writers get bogged down in the decision of first person perspective or third person perspective when penning their fiction. (Yes, you get bogged down in second person perspective. I know.)

But Sobers, the masterful all-rounder, is bound by no such limitations. Sobers narrates the first chapter himself in first person, then disappears to Australia, allowing the story to play out in third person from then on. But suddenly, with a dozen pages to go, the great man makes his return, mid-chapter, first person-ing it up once more as he recounts the final cricket match.

It’s a wild ride. And while I can’t exactly say I recommend tracking down an actual copy of the book, just knowing it’s out there makes me happy. (And, again, to be musing about the potential impact of computer analysis on cricket in 1967 is utterly mad.)

And, frankly, until Jacques Kallis writes a sequel, the ranking of cricket’s greatest ever all-rounder is not even worth discussing.

I’m on holidays, so also didn’t see any of today’s play, such as it was.

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I missed today’s play, as a result of being in transit to an undisclosed location.

Here’s what I missed, in limerick form.

India 341/7 declared
Relentless batting, with no bowler spared
Bowlers continued the rout
At stumps England six out
Destroyed, with no hope of being repaired

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Gaudiness is often portrayed as a negative thing - I mean, consider the definition: the state of being gaudy. Ugh. No, thank you.

That wasn’t the case on the second day of this Test, however, as Kranti Gaud sprung into immediate showy action, tastelessly having Maya Bouchier caught behind to go with her ostentatious trapping of Tammy Be…

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Oh, look at that. More Test cricket. This time, it’s the England women taking on their India counterparts in a first ever women’s Test at Lord’s. Perhaps surprisingly, the lead-up to this inaugural match was treated as a celebration rather than the more immediately obvious option of an apologetic display of shame-faced cont…

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Topics covers in this first episode back include:

• Australia winning the women’s World Cup

• The terrifying spectre of The Cricket Regulator™

• A classic game of Stars or Renegades or Both?

• Plus, another thrilling Muller Award

Vote for Stuart Broad in the Logies here: vote.tvweeklogies.com.au

Somehow this match took place at an even more inconvenient time than any of Australia’s previous matches. Too late to stay up for. Too early to get up for. Annoying. All we could really do was get some sleep and hope the better team won.

And phew, they did.

Here’s what I missed via limerick.

A half-century to Nat Sciver-Brunt
Saw E…

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Silly time for this match, so I didn’t see any of it. Here’s what I missed via limerick.

World Cup hosts England have made the decider
A battle bigger than any filmed by Zack Snyder
They’ll take on Australia
A shortcut to failure?
Perhaps, or maybe fortune’ll favour the homesider

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There has been way too much cricket in England recently, keeping me up late at night with all its absurd antics. An 11:30pm local starting time for this first semi-final therefore seemed beyond my tiring peepers.

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After all the emotion and chaos surrounding Ben Stokes’ retirement on day four, everybody suddenly woke up on day five, hung over and sleep-deprived, realising that, oh, wait, this Test is still going on.

And so it was. Heck, there was still even the comical prospect that Emilio Gay and Joe Root might bat through the day to secure a …

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I was there at Headingley in 2019. All four days of the Test. Every four years my partner Cat and I choose an Ashes Test in England to attend, and in 2019 we just happened to land on the Headingley Test.

We went as a family to the fourth day, our two boys - 15 and 12 (to use their given names) - very excited at what…

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The final match of the group stages saw Australia and India square off to determine whether South Africa made the semi-finals.

Oh, sure, South Africa almost took their fate into their own hands with a heroic collapse against Bangladesh, leaning very hard into their nation’s great World Cup history. But they eventually got over the line, which meant that their place in the next stage was wholly dependent on whether Australia could defeat India.

Perhaps worryingly for South Africa, Australia were given the home dressing room at Lord’s. A strange choice. Would the Lord’s members even remember to spew their traditional unjustified, misinformed, drunkenly enraged invective at the Australians for completing a run-of-the-mill and perfectly legitimate dismissal if they entered the Long Room and turned instead for the England dressing room? It felt unlikely.

Ha ha ha! I jest, of course. It’s a women’s game. The members wouldn’t even be in attendance.

Sweat
Grade: F

For the most part, the India innings was uneventful. They didn’t lose wickets, but nor did they accelerate out of control. Then suddenly the Australians seemed to realise their opponents were only going to reach 150 or so. We’ll barely break a sweat chasing that, the Australian team decided as one, and so began comically dropping outfield catches over the rope to the mounting frustration of the South Africa side watching in the stands.

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A very normal day of cricket began with Daryl Mitchell and Rachin Ravindra doing their very best to re-enact this Test’s first day. Except that, in addition to no wickets falling, there were also no runs being scored. Great stuff. Proper cricket. Oh, sure, Mitchell was given out LBW at one point, but a review swiftly saw it overturned.

A shame, really, because Jofra Archer’s celebrappeal was something to behold. When, oh when, oh when are the ICC boffins going to include in their ball-tracking algorithm the quality of a bowler’s refusal to even look back at the umpire after striking a batter’s pads as they run through to the cordon in delight? How hard can it be. We need to reward this, not overturn it with your tiresome projections built upon the cowardice of calculus.

Nevertheless, the duo continued on almost all the way until lunch before Ravindra carelessly allowed himself to be dismissed by Shoaib Bashir on 94. Ugh. If I were an international batter on 94 facing Bashir, I’d simply hit him for six rather than be rapped on the pads in front. A tactic for Ravindra to consider going forward.

Ben Stokes’ Retirement
Grade: F

After lunch, all hell broke loose. New Zealand lost 3/2 at one point, presumably in a doomed effort to wrap up the innings before the Women’s T20 World Cup match between Australia and India began. Chivalrous stuff from all involved.

Less chivalrous was Ben Stokes, who decided, seemingly mid-bowling spell, to retire from the game, something I only picked up during a drinks break while I was in bed, half-sleepingly watching that previously mentioned T20.

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England began the third day seemingly on top - sure, still technically more than 200 runs behind New Zealand, but only two wickets down.

Their fans wouldn’t have been so cocky, though, had they done what the visitors did on day one, and lost two set batters off the final two balls before stumps. And, as if to hammer home this fact, both Joe Root and Jacob Bethell were dismissed without adding any further runs to their overnight score, instigating dressing room panic.

Such was the turnaround that you might almost be willing to suggest that England would have been better off to have more closely followed New Zealand’s lead and have those two wickets fall at the end of the previous day’s play. That would have helped avoid any sense of overconfidence in the camp or among their supporters and allowed a proper calibration of their prospects before the day’s play began, rather than have it be sprung unexpectedly on everybody first thing in the morning while people were still searching through the paper for the cryptic crossword.

Furthermore, if you are willing to make that argument, you have to sadly accept that fact that, once again, England have been let down by a couple of their players being out late.

Anagrams
Grade: C+

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Half an hour into the second day of this second Test, I’d yet to see a single wicket taken. Had any New Zealand batter ever been dismissed in Test cricket? All evidence suggested: no.

Even Will O’Rourke, terrible batter and pointless nightwatchie from the previous evening, had suddenly transformed into something competent - ‘Willow’ Rourke, perhaps - as he quadrupled his previous Test best.

With the mercury rising beyond anything previously seen, like some kind of historically acclaimed Live Aid set, a very real prospect arose of one of the England bowlers dissipating into a gas at some point. Now, when I say ‘very real’, I mean, of course, ‘blatantly fanciful and false’. But the point stood that if it did happen, Willow Rourke’s stubborn refusal to be dismissed would be to blame.

Realising this, he had a wild slog and skied a ball where he was competently caught. Will O’Rourke. A good man. A kind man. A decent man. A tall man.

Fuzzy Logic
Grade: C

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New Zealand’s win in the second Test had levelled the series. Faced with a decider, England’s decision was to find Ben Stokes and Gus Atkinson not guilty of post-midnight pub mischief and reintroduce them to the team. They were joined by Jamie Smith, who was found not guilty of being a sleep-deprived new father, and Shoaib Bashir, who …

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No reception.

New Zealand won.

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No reception.

Australia won.

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